My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

23 08 2013

My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife   Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

(From the Editor: We wish  to thank Joachim Cabanyes for sending it  to us for publication,   Joachim Cabanyes is an honorary member of Authors-choice blog.)

 


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610 responses

23 08 2013
Ula Saltibus

Obviously its easier said than done. Good advice regardless.

9 09 2013
thelyfepoet

name something that is worth it that’s ez :)

9 09 2013
Stephanie

Every thing worth anything takes practice that’s all. <3

20 10 2013
Webly Alfred (@WinWithWebly)

It’s possible if you desire it just like when a man wants to buy a car they cannot afford they find a way to keep making the payments.

20 10 2013
Editor

Well said, Webly Alfred

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Pow

12 12 2013
Ben

The question for us men in this: Do we want to be right, or do we want to be married and happy? We don’t have to be right. The Apostle Paul tells us “husbands, love our wives.” Love them through it all.

26 05 2014
Anonymous

Ben–I couldn’t say it better myself..Have almost the exact same circumstances in my life today & really needed to read these replies & stories for some stable advise or suggestions.,comments.Atleast moving in a more positive direction today. Thanks all, Ben have a good day. Thanks Laura K.Diaz

12 12 2013
MarkB

Yo Gerald, It ain’t over till it’s over brother. Women who divorce their husband frequently seek to find there way back AFTER they have tried things on their own or with another person. If you still love her let her know in a non-imposing way. Tell he that you are willing to wait for her as long as it takes; she just MIGHT be ready to give it another go. I’ve seen happy re-married couples – but it takes both parties willing to let go of the hurts/disappointments of the past. That is the hard part, you can’t live with someone who is unwilling to forgive. Good luck in your future love life. Signed, a happily remarried man.

12 12 2013
Robert Negron

Great advice, Mark! Your comments touched me in a profound way! I’m scrambling back to my wife after crushing her heart and praying that God will restore what the locusts have stolen! Wishing you the best in your re-marriage! God Bless you!

13 12 2013
Glissanda

MarkB: I applaud you for remarrying. That is all I can say that is nice or constructive.

16 12 2013
danilo cruz

gerald go with the advice of markb.ain’t over yet. pursue your wife again if she’s worthy and still available. i can feel the love you have for her..everybody is entitled to a second chance.. ..7th chance..go go go!!

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Good no great advice this from a 3 timer I will take this with me and make some changes and enjoy my third and last wife

17 12 2013
pam

Epistemological error. The presumption is that, because the man generally asks, that he’s at fault if it doesn’t work out. A man, and soon a lot of women, can encounter a situation where the “suited” doesn’t tell you a really critical piece of information. All of the good advice works but sometimes not in the situation I lived in–a basic lie about mental health, and the discontinuation of medical care once married.

28 12 2013
Anonymous

Pam–I am sorry for you—and that is why you should be “friends” with someone for a while before marrying–get to know the other person and their family before committing to marriage—it is HARD WORK!!!

23 08 2013
Diamond Diamond

Good & wonderful advice

23 08 2013
Editor

Yes, Diamond Diamond, it is an advice that is worth its weight in gold or Diamonds. Lol

23 08 2013
Mojisola Odusanwo

I read ur story and wept Gerald, but i must credit you for sharing a soul touching story of your life. I pray that God will bless you with another wife and children, it is well with you. AMEN. I wish you the best of everything in your next relationship. Remain blessed.

23 08 2013
Editor

Thank you Mojisola, yes life’s stories are meant to be shared to help others avoid falling in same pit. Thanks for dropping by, your kindness lifts the soul, may God bless you.

9 10 2013
V

Divorce does not mean it is over. It is not over until God says it is over, I know people who have divorced and remarried.

9 10 2013
Editor

That much is true V, let us hope many who have this problem find the strength to

19 10 2013
Anonymous

thats true it happen to my parents after 40 yrs of marriage divorced for 3 yrs and then remarried each other again.

18 12 2013
Anonymous

This happens all the time. Such a waste of money and precious time going through divorce to realize you had what you needed all along. Your spouse!!

11 10 2013
Anonymous

Before the blessing, why not seek to know the genesis of the drift – hearing from both parties

16 12 2013
Norris

Those who get married face the same problems. They don’t go away. I have been married for 18 years and will continue to ‘work’ on my marriage. He is also right about happiness. Too much emphasis has been placed on being happy.”I’m not HAPPY” is what many people say and then try and find it with someone else. Focus on your blessings and you will continue and appreciate being blessed.

5 01 2014
Anonymous

Anything regarding nature must be nurtured otherwise it cannot grow.Relationship with someone or God is no differ you must grow in love in order to be in love and that how you will know who or what you are dealing with but many of us do things the other way around. I don’t care what many may believe marriage is not for shellfish people but rather selfless and get this straight if you don’t know God and his teachings and make them away of life forget it. And men please be yourself let the woman love you for you not the acting or pretending you . If you are not a guy who like attending movies and eat outs don’t make it a practice to impress her to get her because she will fall and appreciate these things and we men have a tendency to stop once we reach and that when thing turn for the worst. Be yourself.

23 08 2013
Janet Bosteter

The man that wrote this is wise beyond his years. I wish him peace and love…Thank you for posting and sharing.

23 08 2013
Editor

You are welcome +Janet Bosteter. Lets say it is a wisdom drawn from hard experience. Failure is often the best teacher, and and he has learnt what true love is all about. I thank him for sharing his story with us. 

30 08 2013
Donna

Encourage this man to take waht he has learned and try to win his wife back. Court her, and show her he had learned lessons and wants the next 16 years to be better and different. It can be done with God’s help.

12 12 2013
TwandaPearl

Lessons are only learned when the student is willing to be teachable.

18 09 2013
t. Montgomery

What is ironic is that it took loosing his wife for all of this to crystalize. How unfortunate. Sounds like a brilliant man, but what could have blinded during the marriage to the point of divorce. Sad for them, but great info for readers. I wish them the best.

11 12 2013
Anonymous

LOL……I cant stop laughing at your choice of word ”CRYSTALIZE”….too funny

12 12 2013
Robert Negron

For some of us who are hard-headed it takes falling to the floor before we can get up and change behaviors that we don’t even realize are part of us! Each man’s journey is different but with God all things are possible!! :)

24 08 2013
Anonymous

True talk

24 08 2013
Editor

Yes, true talk, let those who have ears listen. Thanks

24 08 2013
Chioma

Good thing you realised all these. I wish our married people and those preparing to get married will learn from ‘your’ mistakes,but funny enough not many will. Many will still end up making the mistakes you made. My advice: invite God in your marriage and it will succeed.

24 08 2013
Editor

Yes, Chioma, you are right, it is funny how men often repeat the mistakes of other men even when they can avoid it. Man is fallible, prone to errors and marriage is difficult, one needs to be very spiritual, very Holy at times to make it work. Some spiritual writers even say that Marriage is a path to Holiness i.e if you are a good wife or a good husband, you are in-fact very close to God, In this I see wisdom, and encourage married people to pray and ask help from God because it is not by might or power, but by grace that they will succeed.

1 09 2013
Wayne Hazzard

These words right here are to me better than the article. The article gave all mechanics and left out or did not emphasize the core or victory which is the fact that it will take a loving yielding to God for him to give you the daily grace to do your part.It is not by might nor by power…..but by my Spirit.

4 09 2013
Wayne

This is true when we sometimes used the word spiritual meaning right relationship with God. Not being religious, I know some folks feel this same way but cant communicate with there wife! Marriage is giving of yourself before you quote a scripture you have to be willingly to do this!

25 08 2013
Gloria

Please, you are still hurting. That is not marriage, you’re describing, it is slavery. Marriage relationship is a two way thing. One person cannot be giving it at all times. Its a two-way affair. Your wife wanted to go, if not the marriage wouldn’t have crashed. She would have provided an opportunity for you to patch up the relationship.
Also, have it at the back of your mind that second marriages are rarely as good as the first one. You will tolerate several things you never did before. So, don’t be surprised that you may become very foolish, trying to make it work.
The greatest wisdom is to know your woman, communicate at all times, be ready to make amends, and be true as much as you can. God be with you.

27 08 2013
Kay

Gloria!!! Hats off to you!!! What the heck kind of one sided giving is this? It takes two to be in this game. If both of them with their strengths and weaknesses do not share a commitment to be in a marriage, it will never stay. I understand the regrets..but believe me, if you did all of these 19 things and she wanted to go, she would be still leave. She will find other reasons to. So buckle up and quit this self pity thing…… it is almost nauseating (no pun intented).

29 08 2013
Nneka

If this is all you have to say you, missed the entire point of this message and it was directed to MEN anyway.

1 09 2013
Paul

Gloria and Kay, I’m a man and I couldn’t agree with you more. What is being encouraged is not healthy or realistic. I have been down the same road as the author of the article, and am now back with my ex after six years of separation (the divorce was almost complete). I still don’t know if getting back together was the smartest thing to do, but it didn’t happen as a result of that sort of groveling. I had let her go and was quite ok with my life. I know she would have run fast and far away if I was showing the wussy kind of neediness that we are being advised to display.

5 09 2013
tony

“It was directed at men anyway”…wow. I don’t think that Kay and Gloria missed the point at all. my wife just sent me this article and I have always known that she felt that after choosing me, her work was done. not sure why the author thinks that the man in a relationship deserve so little. his article is so full of hypocrisy and bias towards a woman in a relationship its scary. the only thing that I can agree with in this article is that a selfish woman does need a weak and desperate man. half of your article says work together the other half says give her everything and expect nothing. make up your mind dude.

5 09 2013
Elle

I don’t think this article is one sided at all or that the author feels that men deserve do little in comparison. This is written from his perspective as a man. He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel as a woman so he is only speaking from what he knows & from his experiences. He isn’t saying that women have no responsibility, he is reaching out to men who will read this & think, “wow, that’s me.” He is passing on advice that he didn’t get, or didn’t accept, when given the chance.

27 08 2013
Dubemi

Hello Gloria, the man is speaking from his perspective but it can also be applied to women as well. I am happily married for 14 years now and am a woman. Believe me if women also do this for their husbands, can you imagine what a beautiful marriage it will be? I have been practicing some, not all of what he proffered in my marriage over the years and believe me it works. Everybody always loves to be treated well and cared for. If majority of couples do this to their partners, more marriages will be saved and more homes will be happier.

1 09 2013
Memyself

Thoses advices will suit everybody, love takes courage and dedication..thanks to the author in taking time to remind us the truly essence of why we decide tomshare our lives with someone else…TKS

3 09 2013
anttuck

I too have gone thru a divorce after 20 years of marrage- I find that putting your partners needs, joy, and desires first coupled with open Communication will lead to a wonderful partnership. if both follow those instructions your life will be grand

31 12 2013
Anonymous

There is no room for selfishness in a successful relationship. Do everything you can to make your partner feel loved and appreciated, and in turn allow them to do the same for you.

27 08 2013
Sade

From what your post is Gloria, I can assume that you are not married or you are not in a beautiful relationship. This post is coming from a man giving his own perspective and advise to men,it can also be a woman giving the same advise to women and you will make the same comment. I am happily married for 14 years now and I see the wealth of the information and advise written here. I have been practicing some of this in my marriage over the years and as a woman I can tell you that it works. When you give, the natural tendency is for it to be reciprocated. This advise works and believe me marriage is not for people who are lazy, lackadaisical or just hoping to get lucky at making it work. it is for serious people who are ready to give it what it takes to make it work. It is amazing the kind o effort people put in their careers and businesses to make it grow and blossom, yet they are unwilling to do same for their marriages. Your boss can call you names and you will swallow your pride and still go to work he next day, but if it is your spouse giving you a hard time, you find it easy to jump ship. It’s pathetic and sad that a lot of unserious people are entering into marriage without having counsel from people older than them or older in the marriage filed to mentor them on what the landscape may be, yet they will spend so much, looking for career mentors and business mentors. I salute the man for his courage in sharing this with people. Unfortunately, people like you will not listen and end up in a divorce.

28 08 2013
Jamie

Gloria and Kay, I think you are confused. He is focusing on what a man/person can/should do. You cannot control another person’s actions. You can only focus on your own and control your own actions. He is owning his part and sees what he could have done. That’s not to say the Woman/person should not be giving exactly that much back. If both parties were to love each other this way — you would have a perfect relationship. Obviously, people aren’t perfect and won’t live up to this all the time but if we were to strive toward this perfection, even if we fell short, would be immensely happy albeit imperfect.

29 08 2013
George

Gloria and Kay I couldn’t agree with you guys more. The author is hurting and I don’t blame him for having so many emotions and regrets from his divorce, but she left and that is all to it. My ex wife left me after ten years of marriage I had two beautiful daughters that I had to leave behind due to being relocated with the military and I was completely crushed and devastated. I did much thinking of what I could have done differently and I uncovered many things I was doing wrong, but at the same time she had her shares of issues. Bottom line is, you have to take care of your own self first and then you will be able to fully love, take care of someone else and be giving. The things he describes is very one sided, and puts too much pressure on himself. It’s not his duty to be the perfect man for his wife, she needs to accept him for who he is too. I look at my relationship in much more of a pragmatic way now. There is love, what you have towards your partner something that represents the bond you have with one another and the other part is the day to day life you have to live with each other in the complex world around you. If I have a bad day at the office and feel crushed, the author says I should do anything to get over that so I can serve my wife’s need, that’s ridiculous!! Even if the sexes were flipped. If the wife has a demanding job, or raising kids at home should she “do whatever it takes” to get over things so she can make you feel more comfortable….negative! I agree that you should strive to be the best person you can be, because when giving you are more likely to receive. But if you give too much of anything and you are not getting much in return there is a tendency to get jaded and burned out. Either way I feel bad for the author and can relate to hurt he is going through.

5 09 2013
Renae

The truth is, this man shared a lot of personal pain when he wrote this. I’ve been married for 28 years and it has not been an easy 28 years. Men as well as women must be open and honest when they are in an relationship especially marriage if not, it is destined to have problems. I had a man tell me something once he said “I’m going to do the things your husband doesn’t do anymore” and he did just that for 11 years I had an affair with this man. And honestly, all the things he said were things this man has shared with us. Take it from someone that has had the good the bad and the ugly in a relationship, this gentleman has shared some valuable knowledge and advice with the world. It is what it is, like it or not.

5 09 2013
Shaun

I agree with Jamie

30 08 2013
sefiee

Gloria, I believe the point is if one is this giving the other will respond in kind and both will be happy. Yes, it does take two. If my husband treated me this way I’d be happy to do whatever I could to meet his needs! That’s the point.

3 09 2013
Sarah

Kewhitehead, a doctor who is ill can still cure others. He would know the treatment. This is the case here. We still are very grateful that what he say is the truth. The truth does not depend on the qualities of the messenger, but off course you are right, it could have been better if he had not divorce, still what he say is the truth. I think it is worth sharing everyone we love, could save their marriage.

3 09 2013
Bawo

gloraiai agree with you. the man is hurting. this is a two way affair not slavery. communication is important. the wife did not want the marriage thats why they are divorcing.you can always forgive

4 09 2013
Karol

Amen sister! You see in the Gossip some many great folks have divorced! And after they get this great revelation from God and start writing books. What example are we really showing!

5 09 2013
edward

I have to give Gloria kudos. This sounds like a guy taking all the responsibility for a failed matchup. A woman who loved you won’t leave you. None of us know either of you…but you sound like a guilt ridden, c***d man. I am not convinced what you say is what women want.

5 09 2013
Elle

“A woman who loved you won’t leave you” …I have to disagree. After so much cheating, pain, lies, etc- you can still, very much, love your husband but not stay with him. Sometimes, it’s too little too late. Exhaustion sets in & you have to change your life in order to live again. Doesn’t mean you don’t love him.

5 09 2013
Ressurrection

Wow I’m in complete and total shock that not only is Gloria bitter sounding, and off but that so many people have “liked” her comment. Of course, people are drawn to negativity. Relationships are not 50/50 they are 100/100 which means that you should be totally focused on your responsibilities and efforts. Communication is the foundational key but I hate when women discredit men from speaking. You’ll run to read an article that a woman has written about a man, but when a man speaks from his perspective you think it’s foolish. So tell me, are you single? Or a better question, are you happily married? I wholeheartedly agree, as a happily married woman with these sentiments. And, although this is written for men, it is important that we as women apply these important traits as well. But there is a difference between 50/50 relationships which look more like “I’ll help you if you help me” kind of childish romances, than 100/100 which applies personal responsibility to unhindered, and total surrendered love whether it is reciprocal in the moment or not.

6 09 2013
dabish

Ressurrection, EVERYTHING you said was right on point! . Thank you for sharing.

7 10 2013
oni

This is my sentiment exactly. Have I mastered the advice…no, but it makes sense to strive towards it. 100/100 is unconditional love which seems to be absent in most relationships these days. In my opinion if you spend the time to cultivate this 100/100 unconditional love in the relationship you have with yourself than to give it to the next person is a piece of cake. Otherwise, you make the mistake with the notion of lifting your partner up in every way possible as “slavery or one sided.” This advice is for those who understand relationships are two way affairs, fair exchange, it’s unspoken. You hear hurt & pain but I hear lessons learned, joy, & phenomenal growth!! The surrender is not to the man or the woman but to the commitment you made to yourself & the other. Joining forces, marriage, would be seamless if there is no growth happening. Be courageous enough to be honest & move higher letting your love explode!. This is what I hear the author doing even in the midst of the finalized divorce. Good for him and I thank him for sharing!!

8 10 2013
Editor

Oni, I could not agree with you more. Marriage commitment is precisely a surrender of two people to one another for Love.

12 12 2013
NikkiO

This isn’t necessarily true either..relationships are sometimes 60/40, 80/20, and 99.99 /.01..I think the author gave his audience good advice, and as a woman I see where it could be relevent for me as well.

10 01 2014
Anonymous

HERE HERE!!!

5 09 2013
JanetGodfearing Overton

life is a teacher and thou that is your choice of who you want to receive your teaching from in order for you to learn, that is your choice and it is respected, not understood, but yet respected…. I see that as unfortunate for you knowing that everything and anybody in this universe can teach us something and cause us to learn if we only remain open.. failures in you own life have taught you something I hope… it is just his kindness that makes him share his failure with others to hopefully help them avoid the very same mistake….. its people like you that are closed minded that I will never understand!!! Jesus uses his entire creation to teach us human beings something in both good and bad circumstances we always can learn!!

7 10 2013
Bonita

Powerful and Raw Truths. Thanks for being transparent and honest.~ Namaste

3 11 2013
oni

Sounds like you’ve misunderstood sis if responding to my post. Absolutely, God, in every way, shows us ourSELF actualized in various ways, including relationships. Clearly lessons learned through, and I quote, “..it is just his kindness that makes him share his failure with others to hopefully help them avoid the same mistake..” is a representation of God at work. The point is to see the opportunities to grow HIGHER in whatever is happening in your life and realizing that transformation is inevitably paramount. And if tuned in all of us have the wonderful chance to avoid certain mistakes or not. In this case, it sounds like God supported this evolution to kindness in a way that we all too often see as failure. I affirm Open-Ness, love not fear, and continued growth however it shows up!!

10 09 2013
Robert Talbot

Gloria where have you been all my life? lol Spot on with your comments

18 09 2013
Anonymous

Exactly. And I’m a woman and I totally agree this sounds like a person still hurt and vunerable.

20 11 2013
Dominic Amuzu

You are getting him wrong. You saids it a two way thing right? It means one person does “A” and the other person does “B” so that together you have A+B as a final product. This story is telling men how to give A as to whether B will be provided or not is another issue. We do not have control over what others will give a relationship but we have control over what we give and if we give our best into the relationship that be reason enough that we have done our part to make it work and we will live with little regret when things go wrong. In the same light we give MAY influence the other person about the choices he or she makes with respect to the relationship. So please DO NOT disparage this nice wisdom filled piece of story.

Remember Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

I think the story written here even though it will be challenging to embark on is worth the price or at least the hope of the price in the end. Thank you.

11 12 2013
kickknowledge

I agree. Be yourslef at all times, If she loves you for that then it’s all good. This sounds a little to Steve Harvey and Hill Harper for me. Relatiionships are about tolerance, patience, coomunication, connection, and commonality. To continually go out of your element to apease someone is ridiculous if they don’t reciprocate. Yeah there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship. You can go over “why” for as long as you want..but sometimes couples may “slowly” drift in opposite directions after initially feeling connected at the beginning. Enjoy it while it’s good and keep it as good as long as tolerable.

11 12 2013
mydivastatus

Please read this article again. He is stating the things HE should have done as a husband. If loving someone is slavery then please shackle me and throw away the key. You appear to be one who only loves on the conditions of being loved. One who looks for ‘what a person can do for me’. Marriage is a two way thing but it is not based on keeping track of what the other person is doing. Even two way streets have lanes. Staying in your lane as a husband and concentrating on what you should be doing is the point that should be taken from this article. Since you do not know the details of this person’s marriage or how loving this wife was to this man, you should refrain from making ignorant comments. In 16 years you don’t think it’s possible that his wife tried to make it work? No one wakes up after 16 years and just says it’s over. Its definitely much more going on…but we don’t know. Perhaps he was a person like you who only saw the negative “constantly wanting something to give something….or only bring negativity to the relationship as you did with this positive post…”Also, have it at the back of your mind that second marriages are rarely as good as the first one. You will tolerate several things you never did before. So, don’t be surprised that you may become very foolish, trying to make it work.” WHO SAYS THAT?

The Greatest Wisdom is to know that the last statement in your comment was EXACTLY what this entire post was about. God be with you.

31 12 2013
trk

Well, said.

12 12 2013
tdmi223

He’s obviously talking about what to do from a man’s perspective. The article is not about both sides. How you missed that is beyond me.

12 12 2013
Antonio

Im Glad you said it Gloria, this guy sounds like an insecure person whose wife let him believe he was the fault for EVERYTHING. No woman wants a man that submissive it lacks every characteristic of manhood.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Gloria, sometimes it takes a man to understand another man. Slavery you said, wow. This man didn’t say men go out there and do evrything for her and let her do nothing for you. He is simply saying he learned some lessons in life in dealing with his marriage. And had he known then what he knows now, they would still be together. There’s nothing wrong with that man still lovng his ex-wife. I hope they find a way to get back together. If not, then the next woman he finds, he will be a better man for her. And don’t get it twisted, he may tolerate less foolishness and nip things in the bud sooner when he see’s thins getting off track.
You said his wife wanted to go, well we really don’t know the whole story now do we. I don’t recall him saying my wife moved out and divorsed me. I don’t recall him saying I put my wife out and divorsed her. If he did say one of these things, I’m sorry I missed it.
This man is giving true wisdom to other men. Not women, not boys, or girls. It’s in the bible, God said for the husband to love his wife like Jesus loved the church. And we all know how ignorant some people in the church can be. I’m not saying women are ignorant, don’t put those words in my mouth. I’m just saying God wants the husband, the head of the house, to love his wife unconditionally, which is the samething this man is saying.
You may want to take notes on what he said,and when you get ready to get married, you will have some ideas on how your mate should want to treat you. When he treats you with love, you may want to treat him with love too.

16 12 2013
Tara Paisley

I have to disagree with you. I do not think what he is describing is slavery at all. I think what he is describing is things he missed or didn’t do while married. No where does it say what women should do or that it is all on the man to make it work. The thing is, many times men marry and then they think they don’t have to do anything to keep her. They take it for granted that the woman will just stay in a marriage where they are not appreciated.

I do have to disagree with #6. I think people CAN make other people sad by their actions or inaction. For example, my husband was out of work for 2 years after my first child was born. I felt like he wasn’t looking hard enough to provide for his family and that made me SAD. It was as if he didn’t care about us. That made me sad. On the other hand, when he does something to show his love and concern for me, that makes me happy. If I was not happy in my relationship, I need to figure out why. If it is because my husband isn’t showing me enough love, then it is up to me to ask for that love. But I shouldn’t expect to be happy all the time or rely on one person to make me happy, especially if I haven’t shared what makes me happy.

19 12 2013
Anonymous

I m agreed 100% with Gloria, and i m glad she is a woman making this comment. It takes two to encounter. His advice is precious, but unbalanced. The way he talks, it’s like: it’s all about the man. You can give without receiving nothing in return, that’s doesn’t work in a relationship. Sometime you even give it all and you are still mistreated and unappreciated.

19 12 2013
Le roi

I agree with Gloria and the others who see this as Slavery and so one sided. It is very unrealistic and more like Idolatry. Only God deservs that kind of committment, I however sympathise with this man but I would like him to note that even the lessons or wisdom he feels he has gotten may not still suffice, to keep his wife if she had decided to quit, she could always find an excuse, ofcourse it may have worked for others but we are all different. Yes a man must love his wife but the woman also has a lot to put in afterall she is supposed to be a helper. There are too many information on relationshps and rights these days but no power! Let’s stop scaring people and making marriage a complex! -Marry your friend and stay as friends, love and cherish each other. Our parents including Abraham & sarah were not so informed but they stayed married despite their challenges, Obviously because they didn’t believe in Divorce, so they “BOTH” worked to make it work period

25 12 2013
Anonymous

What you don’t seem to understand and know instinctively is that this kind of love and sacrifice for a loved one Is usually returned two-fold. When a man makes a woman feel truly cherished, he reaps many benefits.

25 08 2013
kenneth odidika

This inspired piece evinces a regret of lost opportunities. I believe that the new man produced by those experiences can and should go back and re-court, re-propose to his erstwhile wife. She will accept him. May God see him through.

25 08 2013
Oluwaseun

I completely share your viewpoint, Kenneth. It appears his heart still belongs with his former wife.

Go get your jewel back!

25 08 2013
Mauricia Johnson Moody

Good info

25 08 2013
Anonymous

Great advice worth taking. Thanks for the great words.

25 08 2013
Anonymous

I think this man really needs help. If he understands all these and the wife still left him…

26 08 2013
Muckiala

He said he got to know these after the break up.

25 08 2013
Gyman

I luv number 16 most

30 08 2013
Sammy

He could ask her to marry him again. Assuming of course she wants to.

25 08 2013
OBasanjo

I appreciate your wisdom! Very fulfilling to read.

26 08 2013
Onoo

He doesn’t have to sign the papers.. if he really loves her this much.. I will say WOO HER BACK AND REMARRY HER and stop giving these age old advice! PRACTICE THEM FIRST AND PREACH IT LATER.

26 08 2013
smjd

4 & 5 are my main struggles right now… just had our first anniversary earlier this month.

26 08 2013
kaka

Wise one… Big ups to you…and I wish well in your next relationship….

26 08 2013
Yunana Adams

presently i am going through the same problems, i took her for granted, i used to visit her once in a week, some times i spent complete 7 days without seen her and she complain so much about but i fail to pay attention, now she gave her heart to another person, over three weeks now i have try my best to win her back but she refused, she don’t take my call, she don’t respond to my text messages, and frankly speaking i still love her, i don’t know what next to do. can you help me?

28 08 2013
Renee

There is no helping you, you gotta help yourself to some common sense. If you married or in a committed relationship you need to see each other more than a few times a week. If you leave the door open someone will enter, so that’s your fault. Leave her alone you’re not offering her what she wants or need. You heard the saying if you really love someone let them go and if they come back its yours. Really love her enough to let her enjoy love, the kind she deserve. Maybe you weren’t ready. Your time will come and it will be perfect because you will know better next time

3 09 2013
Tina

Yunana, I appreciate your willingness to try and seek help. Unfortunately when we try to seek help, we often receive opposition from the enemy, and I believe the beginning part of Renee’s comment was that opposition. While it may seem too late, God can ultimately restore the relationship if he see’s fit. So if God tells you it is possible, then it is possible; but it will take hard work and consistency. Now if you hear that its time to move on, then this relationship was just a lesson learned and wasn’t meant to endure. Take what you learned about yourself and your relationship habits to a new relationship that you can cherish and apply your lessons to. It is all in how we grow from our mistakes, not how we dwell on them. I hope this helps. Blessings.

26 08 2013
Gbemi23

Yunana don’t give up. Keep trying, even if she doesn’t take ur calls, continue to call her. Send her SMS. She will eventually come around.

28 08 2013
Joe

because every woman loves it when you constantly blow up her phone. bad advice. lol!

26 08 2013
Salata

I really appreciate dis post n I feel nw dat u knw dis much, u can still get dat marriage fixed. Dnt knw ur Christian views, bt ‘God doesn’t want putting away’. Please try 2fix it bak. All d best!

26 08 2013
Janet

The opinion of Kenneth is what I support fully, if the young man gets married again, he might have committed adultery without knowing it, in Christianity there is nothing like a second marriage except if the woman committed adultery may God strengthen and bless you all, Amen.

27 08 2013
aigbavboa blessing

Hmmmmmmm, I wish our young men will read this before getting married. Its well with my dear.

27 08 2013
Aishatu

That is important Aigbavboa Blessing, you could save many future marriages by forwarding this article to all the men you know, friends, relatives and colleagues etc. Even the already married people can still benefit from it and save their marriages from hitting the rock

30 08 2013
JMT

Seriously… Men? How about men and women… Because it does take two! And yes, I’m a woman. This is true for both sides….

27 08 2013
Sunny

Call off this divours thing and go practice all this
To ur wife , u still love her ……..cos everything u said
Is correct and it will be amazing if u let ur ego off get back to her and
Do exactly wot u have said here
It’s quite touching .I do not wish u leave ur wife …….
Bless u , I pray u guys reconcile……

30 08 2013
Anonymous

I was thinking the same thing. I wonder if she is still available. A couple women responded to the article in a negative way, saying it is one-sided which I consider a lie straight from the pits of hell. Women respond to the way we are treated and if a man treats a woman the way this article suggests, it will not be one-sided at all! A woman gives as good as she gets. I daresay she gives even more. A woman will treat a man like this like the king he will make her see because he is treating her like the queen he chooses to see when he looks at her.

27 08 2013
rotimi

Don’t divorce your man now that you have learnt these invaluable lessons. God does not regard divorce. Use these lessons to turn her back into your arms again.

27 08 2013
Happy and Content

This goes for women too, not just men! Great advice taken, by a woman. Thank you.

27 08 2013
daniela

I have shared “My Advice To Married Couples after Divorcing My Wife of 16years” in my blog

27 08 2013
Lishia

I wish I had all this information three months ago. Its so true

27 08 2013
Sheila

Lishia, is not all lost, you can still find love, but save your friends marriages by sending this article to them

27 08 2013
Ben Bigdeal

Look, sometimes people have issues that you may have not been aware of earlier in the marriage. Sometimes emotional or mental. Regardless,things need to be dealt with, when they happen. This shows whether you are able to work things out and continue to live and love. Don’t waste time trying to make something work when its just not possible. Keep it movin!

27 08 2013
Kysha Biscoe

This is an absolute GREAT READ, I just entered my 2nd marriage and I love my husband unconditionally, I think this advice is the best advice given to man/woman. Marriage should not be taken lightly nor for granted.

27 08 2013
jscribblings

Poor chap :(
I guess every marriage that goes wrong has it’s own peculiarities. I wish he had shared what exactly was the last ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’. Lots of question i’d really love to get answers to.
Nevertheless, no matter what happens it does TAKE TWO TO TANGO!

I sure hope i don’t mess up when it’s time :)

27 08 2013
Phiffe

This is a bit much….in a utopian relationship, maybe this works but honestly, all of that is practically impossible. These are the thoughts of a heartbroken individual. Albeit, much of what he’s saying sounds GREAT but if a man or woman could accomplish all of that, they would be perfect! Maybe in theory, this works but honestly I think he’s haunted with his mistakes and obviously still completely in love with his ex-wife!!

28 08 2013
Suzie

I can relate to what ur sayn . Why do we always realize things after its to late. I have quite a few regrets also . But its to late to change its over …. I often think about how things wouldve been if we both had put one another first but we were to focus on our jobs among his cheatn it was just 2 much…

29 08 2013
Verna

Your words of wisdom could only come from experience and my prayers are that: 1) both parties(male and female) learn from your experience,
2) That you don’t stay down tool long and 3) Your words and experience are displayed in your next relationship.. Gob be with you.

28 08 2013
Anonymous

All these things don’t ensure a successful marriage

29 08 2013
Nneka

Nothing ENSURES a Successful marriage , you still have to put in work

20 12 2013
mamajosh

So where’s your perfect article that gets it right?

28 08 2013
Latrice W.

Thank you for putting your thoughts into words. So powerful and truly appreciated. I’ve been married 10 years and it is constant work .

28 08 2013
kate

Wow! Thank you for the share. Very heart-felt and strong words of advice but also pain. It was a honor to ‘re a d this. Thank you and God bless.
Kate

28 08 2013
rajah

I am left wondering wehter it was a man who really wrote this or a woman–because as much as most of it makes sense–there are things in there that i cannot see eye to eye with–i have always been the type of person to question and challenge things insted of just believe it as it is__)

28 08 2013
Teresa

read this post today and it just might save you from making big mistakes in you marriage.

28 08 2013
Renee

Well now you are saying all the right things, but why did you not practice what you preach? If love is the greatest then why can you two not work it out? Or maybe there really was no love, see love is forgiving, and from what you stated about love, then where is the second chance? Someone in the relationship has an agenda.

28 08 2013
jscribblings

Here’s a piece i came across a while ago, which i think is worth sharing. Titled the ART OF A GOOD MARRIAGE by Wilfred Arlan Peterson

A good marriage must be created.
In a marriage, the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say ”I love you” at least once each day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives
It is standing together and facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which to grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right person,
It is being the right partner

2 09 2013
dougherty

I agree with what each of you have offered.
I had to finally leave my husband because I lost respect for him for not giving focus or care to our marriage or to me or our children-over 25 years ago. He was still a child himself who never valued growing up to take on responsibility. It seemed like he just wanted another mother to care for him and do his laundry, and witness his temper tantrums. It was a long, sad roller coaster ride that broke my trust in him. This took many years since, after 4 years of counseling within the marriage to discover. I forgive him and me and I wish him well. I’m now living alone, but in gratitude.
Bless each of you for giving this issue appropriate attention and care.

28 08 2013
Edwin23

Is indeed a gud way to renew the union.

28 08 2013
Precious Grant

Priceless advice….. I mutually understand an desire to hv this Love in my life. #becoming my best first..#whole…

Thank u very much!!! God bless

28 08 2013
Ellen

My husband and I are re-discovering each other and our love. He left me in his unhappiness – twice – 29 years looked like it would float away on divorce papers. It has taken and is taking hard work to recover our marriage but it’s so worth it and we’re so thankful to be in this position. I’m writing about what I’ve learned and included some resources that helped me immensely.

http://marriagerecovery.wordpress.com/

28 08 2013
Musa Sanneh

Its great and sublime wisdom for one to share bitter experiences that would put others through, Remember where there is true love and not false or material love but real true love it will supersede all hurdles to eternity. What we experience nowadays is a semblance of love that comes through the window and as well flies through the window; hence one needs to real in whatever you are involve.

28 08 2013
charm

Great advise ,i hope and pray God may restore ur marriage, and couples will really take ur advise before its too late

28 08 2013
Mel

Marriage is work. But if you do not marry the Proper person for you it will not work. If you married the wrong person, it is better to love them at a distance and find your true love. Build a relationship based on a Strong foundation. People do often make mistakes and marry the wrong person. There is no need to stay in a Dead-end marriage. Be happy.

28 08 2013
Sybil Mason-Craig

HI GERALD,i feel ur heart and pain it is not to late u have to go lay it all out just like u did on here to her let her no u no u messed up and u r not so willingly to just walk away and give up all those yrs.i no GERALD I have been there and back me and mine have 30yrs. and still going strong on a second chance,so please don’t u nor your wife sign those papers without talking one more time u don’t have to and u and your wife don’t need to just give up on each other if u guys don’t feel like your love for each other can go another 16yrs.than it’s okay between the both of u to walk away but u both owe it to each other to see if your love can stand again,i will keep u and your wife in strong prayer over these next few months to see if u guys went and poured your hearts out to each other do it now not next week u no the lawyers r in her ear GO GET YOUR QUEEN!!

28 08 2013
Sybil Mason-Craig

GERALD,i realized that I was to late in reading and givin of advice I felt necessary after reading,Love is love it dose’nt get old it may stop for someone or something but we pick it back up and that’s LIFE,but I see u guys must have moved on from one another but u still can recovery with each other if others r not involved,if not come on now 16yrs,just gone something or somethings,somebody’s must have gotten in the way of u guys HEARTS,even after an D vorce(DIVORCE) it is still not to late u can always make love new again between ex husband and wife it gets to b even more beautiful than before,i hate to see love lost in an marriage of so many yrs. it seems as tho it was all not real it was all ah big show,were did the love go and really when did it go in what yr.?OUT of all that u wrote out for others to get back in their lives and for u in the future i’m asking u GERALD,is it all over for u and your I hope not newly (capital)D WIFE???????

28 08 2013
Sybil Mason-Craig

ME ONE MO GIN GERALD,OUR MATES HAVE TOO HAVE LOVED AND LOVE GOD FIRST BEFORE WE COULD HAVE LOVED ANYBODY,GOD 1ST,THAN LOVE ONES SELF THAN LOVING COMES NATURAL!!!!!

28 08 2013
Shakirat

This is a very touching story, i wish a lot of men can read this and practice all the advices therein. A lot of men believe that their wives do not have anywhere to go(African men) so whatever shit a man gives her she must endure and in the end what you have is a mother & father of my child relationship instead of a wife and husband relationship. A lot believe they can have extra marital affairs even to their wives face & still believe she has to take it, forgeting that there is no one in this world that does not need to be loved. Every soul needs love that should be nutured till death.

29 08 2013
Anna

I agree, Shakirat, we should share it with all men

29 08 2013
lorwynd

Reblogged this on Lorwynd's Thoughts and commented:
For married couples out there and for those looking to get married, this is a great post. Well articulated and insightful, it’s not necessarily ground-breaking, but it is much more thorough than many post I’ve read on the subject.

29 08 2013
fagibbs

Reblogged this on fagibbs's Blog and commented:
That was so Deep. And true. Thanks for sharing.

29 08 2013
Nishitha A. Jayawardane

It truely brings tears to my eyes whenever i read this. my sis got divorced after a few months of her marriage,because that man never had time for her. He never cared. She tried her best but nothing worked, It s been 2 years since she got divorced. She is still single. She says she has lost faith in relationships. i wish i could post this to my ex bro in law. :(

29 08 2013
Maria

So sad, Nishitha, I am so sad to hear what happened to your sister, it must be terrible. Take heart. Tell her that Love will find a way back to her heart. Your ex brother in-law must get to read this article, Dont your have his email?

29 08 2013
Apostle Bridget Green

I love it, this is something every married couple and any one who is in thought to get married should read. Thank you for posting this. God bless.

29 08 2013
Afrikan Eagle

And what do you do where, after getting married, you realise that the woman only married you to have legitimate escape from her broken family??? Let each man or woman do according to his and/or her conscience. What is good for the goose many not always be good for the gander. One size does not always fit all. We are all products of diverse experiences.

29 08 2013
Jennifer M

llora, we tie ourselves to one man or one woman for life raising kids because we are higher than dogs, I hope??

3 09 2013
eric

at least I thought we were.

5 09 2013
llora

Jennifer M, you misunderstood me. Of course it is obvious we are higher than dogs, we are human beings created in the image of God. My point is that entering marriage with a mind set “that it is a sacrifice” is a better preparation to be able to withstand the problems that will CERTAINLY arise than expecting a life of BLISS, which is what most people expect and that is why many are surprised when things turn difficult and ESCAPE as cowards through DIVORCE harming the emotional balance of the kids. For your marriage to succeed you have to put your wife or husband and kids first and yourself last, that is the sacrifice I am talking about and placing yourself last has never being fun.

5 09 2013
funbi

i agree with you. you have to put ur spouse and children first

29 08 2013
dottie

Thank you for sharing from the bottom of your heart. To some of those who have expressed negativity, I say you don’t like it don’t read it and oh yes, we do have the issue of free speech. Sometimes a second marriage can be better than the first. Perhaps you married at 18, had 4children in 3.5 yrs, spouse followed in parents footprints becoming an alcoholic…things became to rough and one night you find yourself looking down the barrel of loaded 9mm. To say the least divo rse followed. After 15 yrs the man of your dreams arrives. If that man was able to read

29 08 2013
dottie

Gerald,  I will be sure to save the article and give to my grand and great grandchildrrn as a wedding present.

29 08 2013
EB

If only my husband had read this before… Great advice, thank you for sharing your story. 🙏

30 08 2013
Sham

How true if all can understand it, its like easy to say, it will never register in those who are adamant on their behaviors and attitudes and living and loving only them, selfish, they set their own standards and expect other to fill that place, and if lacking the kicking and shouting, soul tearing and shaming another for existence. i just hate it, i wish it could be easily done like its said…….good luck to all out there, but i have lost all hope :)

30 08 2013
Anonymous

Wisdom talk

30 08 2013
Devil Dare

Let me tell you why I think that post is BS:

1) This person is going through a period of introspection after a break up… It’s very common, but it’s the wrong time to be giving relationship advice. But I take special exception to the kind of vacuous “Mills and Boon” rhetoric contained in that post. Most people would have the good taste to keep that drivel to themselves while operating under the fog of emotional rejection. Where would we be without such gems as “Fall in love over and over again” What does that even mean in the real world? Or, “Never blame your wife if you get angry or frustrated at her” WTF!

2) People change and you cannot take responsibility for someone elses stunted growth.
People are on their own path and if that path coincides with another for awhile then so be it… But never make the mistake of thinking that two people share the same path. When people start going in different directions, it would be a mistake for the other person to follow. Rather let them go their way and you continue on yours. You will be happier.

3) There’s Nothing special about a woman (by virtue of being a woman). There’s nothing special about a man, by virtue of being a man. People are just people in all their complexity and the moment you start raising people up for special treatment because they posses a vagina you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

4) People sometimes marry the wrong people and sometimes they marry for the wrong reasons and sometimes the mistake isn’t spotted for some time. And when the inevitable happens, there is nothing you can (or could’ve done) to prevent it. Get over it!

5) People Grow apart and get divorced for any number of reasons and breaking your back to keep things together will be ineffective and damaging to your health and happiness.

6) Interpersonal relationships are complex and are determined more by subtlety and nuance than by a menu of dos and donts. So unless a person is naturally doing things to please his/her partner because they actually like doing those things, then this guy’s advice becomes unsustainable and someone is going to crack.

7) The key to any relationship is to be yourself. Don’t force a single thing. Don’t try to be romantic. Don’t rub his/her feet if you can’t stand the sight of them. Live your life, pursue your dreams and never forget who you are. And for F”%ksake, DON’T follow this guy’s advice. Your partner loves you for who you are not for what you do. And if that’s not the case, then you should RUNNNNNNNN!!!!!
And finally. Recognize that in the final analysis, a divorce is one of the best things that can ever happen to you in life and that guy is lucky that he got out after only 16 years.

30 08 2013
Vina

Oh How I wosh my husband would take heed to this wonderful advice.

Props to you. I wish you blessings of LOVE in your future.

30 08 2013
ELLA

i think what this young man just did, was gave the men a sort of guide as to how to love and treat his woman .he is truly talking to the men ,if any woman want to comment please dont take away anything this gentlemen is saying because i think it is great and if you write please write something seprate from this to the women and tell them how to treat their man .i have a good husband ,that said when he married me he threw away his players card and start putting it all into one woman and that is me .we still date. i can say that i have a loving husband that buy me fresh flowers weekly.i could not ask for more .i do advise this man to go back and drop all of this that he seem to just learned on his lady .and see what happen or put it forth.

30 08 2013
Queen

I cant believe that u are saying all of this, is as if you read my mind, especially #8, that was so real, I say some of these things to my husband and it seems that he doesnt get it, and probably wont until we divorce, I hope it doesnt come to tht, but this is truly amazing!

30 08 2013
oliver

I PUT IT TO U THAT THE WRITE UP,IS A CONFUSED ILLUSION WHICH THE WORLD IS TRYING TO ACCEPT.IF YOU READ WELL THE WRITER HAS ALREADY CONDEMNED HIMSELF,LET ME MAKE IT clear and that is why the divorce rate is high in the west,the man is and should always remain the head in all form,women should be under men and there children under the woman,its a chain of command.men don’t battle to please women,they naturally do but women should battle to please men.its a fact that men don’t get married on there own,the women pressure them into it,as for taken for granted,its women who shouldn’t take there men for granted,the world seems messed up,how can a deputy become stronger than the boss,does it happen in your work place or in your countries political structure? the answer is no,so how come it happens in your home,this days we see women who respect there bosses in the office more than there husbands,which means in turn the home is failing or has failed most of the western men are already finished even before they start. Africa we leave with our old ways in peace,our family structure was sound,the more we take in this new culture the more our family system is failing

31 08 2013
Honey love

1. You have been (sadly) misguided.
2. You are living in a fantasy.
3. You need 3rd grade education.

1 09 2013
Sarah

Oliver, the marriages seem to be falling apart here because the oppressive existence of marriage as you wish it to be has proven to be too much of a burden on the women who are subjected to it, AND on the men who abuse it or misunderstand it. Marriages still seem to be intact where you are because it is a forced situation where women are forced into second class status. Therefore, marriages don’t “end”. Prior to colonization the roles of men and women were mutually appreciated and created in balance, yin and yang, until the misogynistic rulership of white male supremacists took the customs, changed it to suit their agenda (the self-centered ideas that males are supreme because of their physical strength and ability to force pain and destruction), destroyed the original, then forced their adulterated version back onto the culture. Generations and generations later marriages are imploding, families are imploding. But as men and women begin to really see the error of these ways, begin to truly love and respect each other’s existence and complementary differences, then new family structures, built on solid foundations of love, balance and MUTUAL respect, will restore the humanity, divinity and one-ness of marriage, and subsequently of family, community and humanity.

11 12 2013
mydivastatus

Your comment truly blessed my heart. Thank you.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Well said! Western women tend to respect every other man on her life except her husband.

31 08 2013
aramaanda

Reblogged this on aramaanda.

31 08 2013
JR

I find it hard to believe that you came up with these 20 important (although some questionable) points within the FINAL week of your marriage. I apologize, but it sounds like you wrote this from self pity and a high amount of regret. Exactly where’s this individual prior to the FINAL WEEK!? You, divorcee.

Although you make some great points, it takes “2” willing individuals with the same agenda and a whole lot of prayer, I feel, to actually make the marriage work. You can not make anyone give the same amount of love you are willing to give.

Do not be naïve, and think by placing someone on a pedestal you will get the same in return. GREAT COMMUNICATON and PRAYER! Good luck in the future and god bless.

4 09 2013
AA

,This man seems o put some western principle(not every western principle is right( e.g Homosexuality and so on); as well as imbalance judgement in his write-up- in the sense of Hyping a particular sex than other. Also, none of what he wrote seems to include the effectual power of Prayer (which I believe to work).Let everything be base on a Godly principle then it will work. I pray we will not fail God as a result of some social moral rather than godly principles.
There is one truth which I will want us all to Take in Two people cannot be on a driving wheel and seat at the same time, as it’s just a matter of time the car will definitely have accident. I believe in Hierarchy in every facet of life and it should be maintained so is the same with Marriage and home. but at the same time the Person at the topmost Hierarchy should exercise Fear of God and not misuse the position.

let always

31 08 2013
kece

Insightful!

31 08 2013
Val

I wonder what a divorced woman would share with us. I think we could use a few pointers just as our men received. The author could not have shared better advice.

31 08 2013
Ivan Raszl

Good one!

31 08 2013
BJ

Everything you said is very true and good advice for married couples. I tried to do exactly what you said the second time I married him. Yes, we were divorced for 5 years and I re-married him thinking we loved each enough to work on surviving a second marriage. First marriage was 25+ years and this time 12 years. I have filed for divorce once again. He just walked away from the marriage again. He is playing house with someone else now. I am healing emotionally and moving forward with my life. I guess I am saying no matter what you do it still may not workout. Yesterday was my Birthday and I just felt like responding to your very touching plea to married couples.

31 08 2013
Rosemary

So sorry BJ, it is true that for some odd individuals no matter what you do, it is impossible to live with them, they are what we call the color blind people, who often call black white and white black. But the article is true for normal people. Keep your spirit and don’t give up, and Happy Birthday! Make sure you have a good glass of cherry Lol.

22 02 2014
Anonymous

I’m so sorry, BJ. Be encouraged, though. You did the right thing. Keep looking to Jesus, and he will restore your joy and your wholeness. Happy birthday, dear one.

31 08 2013
maritha

this is the best thing i have ever red and i wish my husband would read it:(

31 08 2013
Angel

Oh its wonderful, Maritha, yes get your husband to read it, could change your life. I just got mine to read it and he is reflective.

31 08 2013
Julie

Wonderful advise, I am married to a lovely man, who I would say follows all these ideals. We have been together 24 years and still very much in love.. This advise is very true, treat your woman like the treasure she is and you will be treasured and cared for by a very happy lady, no matter what the world throws your way!!

12 09 2013
Janine

I have to agree with the article and Julie. I’ve been married for over 30 years to a man who has followed these ideals. I am going to repost this article for it gives good advice. Marriage is not a 50/50 deal. It takes 100% or more on both sides to make a happy marriage. I noticed that several people say that it would be too hard to follow his points or that what he says is unrealistic, how sad for them. It may look like a lot hard work but once you start to get your returns it becomes normal. I love my husband so much more today than I did when we got married, in my home I am treasured by my man and in return he is treated the same by me.

31 08 2013
Vanessa Maddox

Thank you. You have no idea how timely and what a blessing this is. All the best!

31 08 2013
Mays

While reading this message. It is so powerful and motivating. This can help all couples when reading this in the right frame of mind. This took courage for anyone admitting to their short comings. Its just hard when. we learn things which can be so painful to us.But God is Always there with us and says he will never forsake us. It was an honor to read such a powerful message.

31 08 2013
VSS

As a person who had the kind of relationship for 40+ years before my husband’s death, I would like to say to every woman, for each place the author gave advise as a man, reverse it and use the same advise as a woman. It really works. What I would give to have my husband still alive to have that kind of relationship.

1 09 2013
Sandra

This is the best article I have ever read. Let’s share this with with every body, a great service humanity

1 09 2013
Anonymous

My divorce was recently final and ir ia so painful

1 09 2013
Alisha Waterman

That is probably the most touching piece of writing I have ever read and rings so true to my ears. Great advice for men and still a few points that apply to bit men and women. Thank you 😊

1 09 2013
zepp led

The article is coming from a man who is going through a divorce seems to be heartbroken and devastated.he is placing a wife on a pedestal and giving advice to men to be the entire world to their wife. These advice only works on books but not in a real world scenario.

2 09 2013
Anonymous

Thought thus was sweet

2 09 2013
Ekweozor Mishael

To be sure, the argument of the writer was predicated on his ugly experiences but with the benefit of hindsight. In all honesty, I think he’s essentially dispassionate about his argument and I strongly concur with his realization. I am married myself, and I can really identify with him. Once of such very important areas of interest for married me, like he said, is ‘protect your heart’. Married men should be determined to make the heart of their spouse rejoice. What more precious gift could they ever give to the one they vowed before God to love till death do them part? Of course, the same principle applies to married women with equal weight.

Great piece; Thanks for sharing.

2 09 2013
Ekweozor Mishael

Reblogged this on Ekweozor Mishael.

2 09 2013
george smith

Marriage isn’t about happily ever after, it’s about hard work. Those words, your words, Mr. Rodgers have been echoed in almost all successful marriages. That the key.

3 09 2013
eric

but you can’t be the only one willing to work at it

2 09 2013
Val

I could not agree with u more. Well said. Only if persons like you and I are given the second chance the worl will be such a better place for we have humbled ourselves and see where we also went wrong. That’s the beauty of this whole thing – admitting one’s strength and weakness. I trust by the time he reads this he would have found his life partner and if he hasn’t- no stress. We have nothing to prove. I’m in a similar position and my philosophy is this: The rules of marriage are very simple – if u want ur marriage to work, behave that way and if u don’t want it to work, also behave that way. Peace and Love. Bountiful Blessings

2 09 2013
Mona L

This is a huge lesson learnt. I hope other men including the so called born again christian will stop taking there wives for granted. My advice to you is not to give up on your wife, give her time and reach out to her, I believe you will make a better husband now.

2 09 2013
Kimberlyn

Great knowledge. Thanks for writing this.

3 09 2013
sisanda

This is an eye opener,thank u. Will take this advice.

3 09 2013
danielle

I’m so sorry you had to go through this to learn. No doubt she learned a lot about herself, too. Sometimes we’re–men and women both–too stubborn and proud to see what we’re doing to each other and it’s only when we lose what we love that we understand.

Blessings and may you hold these lessons close when you meet another wonderful woman.

3 09 2013
touched

I feel like He waS talking to me if not about me, I’m truly learning through his pain. Thank You for Opening my eyes-I’m sticking to my Woman and am starting with the 10 things that makeS Her feel happy and take it from there. I Appreciated the Post Editor, keep them coming.

4 09 2013
Jerry M

I think the author of this article underwent a change of heart, a miracle that only God could do. It takes a transformed heart to have this kind of perspective, and a selfless servant attitude. This is not slavery, when you voluntary give yourself for the good. Thank you for sharing. I just hope you can still save your marriage. God bless.

4 09 2013
Gman

I have been married for over 26 yrs and if is one reason we have made it so far is communication. Commitment and compromise. CCC

4 09 2013
Brandon

This is a fairytale… Sometimes there is nothing you can do to keep a woman from leaving you can recite poetry at the top or at a whisper. You can try day in and day out to win her love back but if you lost it its gone. The first thing you should look for if you are a guy is if she stops sleeping with you and makes every excuse possible to avoid it. That’s when you know its over and when it is over the only way you will possibly get her back is if she decides she wants you back after you take a break with each other.

4 09 2013
Pacer

Divorce after nearly 25 years of marriage, I hear your pain; recognize you’re grieving, and I understand your fears. Like you I don’t profess to be any type of relationship guru. We speak from our own individual experiences; therefore we will disagree, agree and agree to disagree. I really love that last one, “agree to disagree”. There is truth to your words, but you put all the weight of the relationship on the man. A woman is strong, powerful, cunning and skillful. She has the upper hand because she is the prey. She has what we want, but she wants what we have even more. Her true nature is to manipulate, therefore she cannot reveal her hand for it is from which she draws power. Each time she is able to manipulate the situation to her favor her power grows stronger and stronger. At times you feel you have won when in reality you have lost – Man, she is good.
The success of a relationship hinges on her ability to select a challenging, intelligent, intriguing, and fun mate. Plus, her ability to use her powers to manipulate the situation in favor of the marriage. Now she must understand her man and how important it is for him to “feel” he is the man in the relationship.

One Saturday morning I when on a fishing trip with a group of men and boys from the church. We all meet up at the church and car pool out to the site. During the ride out we used the time to get to know each other better. We arrived at the site and we all were having a good time. Then he receives a call from his wife. It’s was time for him to return home, he told her that I road with him, that he would need to drop me off at the church. Soon after we were on the road, she called again; she called a few more times. There were lots of, “I am on my way Dear, Yes Dear, No Dear, Okay Dear and I love you Dear.” You know what I am thinking and the tone in his voice as he spoke to her screamed – Wimp-Wimp-Wimp! I wanted to tell him to grow a pair. But, I wondered just coming out of a divorce do I have it all wrong? If I do, I’m in big trouble, for I will die alone. I knew a guy that when last I saw him he was on his 7th marriage, I wonder did he find the right match or did he finally read the written on the wall. Marriage is not for ever one. Personnel I have tried it, it left a bad taste in my mouth, and now I am in a place in my life where I can live without – it’s much peaceful. I can come and go as I please. No nagging, no fussing, no belittling, no manipulating, no last word competitions, no “agreeing to disagree,” and the list goes on and on. I even have more money in my pockets. It’s going to take one heck of a woman for me to give all that up.

Enjoy your freedom.

4 09 2013
Rose

Pacer, your view of women as preys is the reason why you will never be a good husband and probably a good father. In a marriage, men and wife are equal, and they are neither predators or preys. Many say that marriage is a covenant in which man and wife say to each other, I am your and you are mine” Marriage is different from prostitution, where a man says to a woman, ” This is mine( your body) and that is yours( money )” Your attitude will ensure you are alone, and perhaps your are best alone, with no one to hurt with your selfishness.

4 09 2013
Pacer

Rose, I do appreciate your response. But regarding my ability to be a good father. You are off the mark, way off the mark. Yet again you put the blame of the failed relationship on the shoulders of the man. My view of relationship came from my experience. A marriage that i enter into with a totally different view. I know it’s hard for woman to admit their faults or take responsibility for their actions in a relationship. I was raised by my Grate Grandmother who taught me how special a woman is. How she should be treated and respected. She raised 3 of her Grate Grandson, we were taught how to take care of a house inside and out. I have 3 daughters and one son. They all are closure to me than their mother. All are grown except for the baby of the family and she lives with me. I’m sorry the word Prey offends you, that was not my intention. Old school, men chase the women and the women played hard to get., that is the content in which I use the term prey. Today women make the first move and in some case they even go as far as proposing, which I have experienced. Now as far as being a good husband. There are details which I want get into, that would have you reconsidering that statement. If you could seat down and speak with her family I have no dough in my mind that you would reconsider that statement. I just noticed you call me selfish. You see I stay away from attacking people because I didn’t walk in their shoes to know them well enough to do so. But, you have choice to attack me, which does not surprise me at all. If you were to meet me personally or was just close enough to observe me you will understand how far off the mark you are when you call me selfish. If you elect to respond, I challenge you to do so without attacking my character as I have done.

4 09 2013
Omolabake Adegoke

well spoken! shes part of u so, treat her like you will treat yourself! nd vice versa

4 09 2013
TheEmpressRegnant

surfing the amazing world of wordpress, I came across this wonderful post: My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing my Wife of 16 Years by Gerald

5 09 2013
Danielle

There is nothing better than a lesson learned. That makes us all better people.

5 09 2013
funbi

this is great advice and i wish him the best. But in this era of partnership, the woman also has her role to play. A man cant do everything and strive to be a perfect husband. for pete sake, a man also needs time to * re-center*, a man also needs to be reassured that he has a place in his wifes heart that he shares with no one. nothing stops women from taking their husbands on dates too. it has to be equal and reciprocal. i am just sharing this perspective so that people dont get the wrong idea that the success of a marriage solely depends on a man. definitely not. A wife has a great role to play too.

5 09 2013
CM

this wasn’t for married couples…it was directly aimed at men…there are some good points, but it’s a two way street and this article is lopsided…the authors perspective is from a man that “messed up”…these pointers make women seem flawless and that their actions are without consequence…again, some relevant points if you’re a man that has neglected his woman for something or someone else…but it’s not the magic couples formula…this is straight up for the fellas that are in the dog house and are trying to get back in the main house…

5 09 2013
Femi A

Wish i came across this before mine too crashed. Thanks for sharing. its priceless.

5 09 2013
MiltD

Powerful advice! Thanks for sharing!

5 09 2013
ibk

This is a wonderful piece i will always hold on to. Thanks so much b’cos you just touched my soul.

6 09 2013
Jeanette

You nailed it. I’m the one that got away and won’t settle for less.

6 09 2013
anonymously married

Reblogged this on Marriage: An anonymous journal and commented:
I understand this man’s pain. While in the throes of attempting to salvage, resurrect, or do whatever about a marriage that is no longer thriving, I take to heart his words. I noticed in the comments of the original blog post that some commentors thought that his feelings were unrealistic. BUT, I believe that if BOTH partners lived according to these words and attempted even half of what is written, we would have many happier marriages. Let’s not take one another for granted people….seek the joy in making your mate happy!

6 09 2013
Kamilgold

Truth remains the only enduring fact that makes life a beautiful place to live. You have shared with us a fact of life that most reasonable men should adopt. I thank you for your courage and good reasons. I will surely listen to your admonition. May the Lord continue to lead your pathway. All the best bruva.

7 09 2013
Anonymous

Awesome. I wish every man could actually Learn from this. Wow my marriage could be happy.

8 09 2013
James Willems

Like this brother, I lost marriages for some of these reasons. Learning from my pain, I discovered a marriage in which I could be an adult. Thank you fore this posting. It made me weep.

9 09 2013
Vwambanji

Great advice. Much appreciated.

9 09 2013
thelyfepoet

great advise…did u employ this in your marriage or learned this after your marriage was over…

9 09 2013
W1news

*smiling* my woman sent this link, and I am sure most men got this link from their women as well.
The writer is selling us good stuff, ironically, whatever part u agree with imply that is smfin u lack in ur relationship, anything u r against imply u do those things and its not working. There is no rule(s) to d female dynamics.. 1) don’t rule any man or woman by d book, or rule. Whatever, the author’s lesson(s) are implies those her the things he felt he didn’t do, which could be right or wrong. I would explain: that is why it sounds so direct to men.
The author as a result of regret absolutely feel to ensalve himself is what he shld hv dn by all those things, which is normal when u r caught in the act u wish u hadn’t made such mistake if u wld doo it again u wld not do it all. So pls understand that this is an article of sm1’s regret which is not a pure lesson but shaff of truth.
I knw sm1 is already saying wtf am I tlking abt. We r tlk abt a man going thru a divorce here. Did u ask urself what was he doing for 16yrs?!..were they 16yrs said? And lots of ?????
However, my question is what makes it work from this article.
What makes it work?!… Did I hear u giving me a list there. Dnt bother its simple. WORK! It takes a WORKER not the job sense of it, but some that knw how to labour (work). That is what makes a marriage work, just like ur job, you work and earn, u go d extra mile to get bonuses, u dnt like ur routine, or ur boss Is annoying u wnt to Change jobs(cheating in marriage). What am I saying.
The job title is Marriage, requirement, is communication skill, prootection or security skills(selfless), surprise skills, intellectual skill and prooblem solving. Then u have d responsiblities which could b dynamic(I am sure ppl with jobs can agree with me on this) unfortunately ppl look at the responsiblities without considering d requirement, Job is not a requirement, talking u out is not a requirement, caring is not a requirement, if he has a house is not a requirement, all these are responsiblities, requirement are skills acquired via training and experience. Jst like regular jobs, there r salaries,insentives, bonus, health insurance, accommodation, education, promotion. All these are entailed in marriage. Marriage is not an baseless emotional adventure. Its Passion for what u do in the marriage,.. So friends,its nt one sided, its both way, there are no rules, only ethics, just passion for what u do in marriage, and commitment to it. When u wnt an employment d advise is always go for a job u hv passion for, and see urself rise to M.D.. Meaning Man and Daddy.. Did I hear a lady say yes that is for the men. Nah u r wrong, u r called a woMAN ur surfix is man meaning u have capacity to be a man. U also should be PA to the M.D I am sure u knw d responsibility of a P.A.
In conclusion there is no book manual for marriage, else thousands would have it…did I say thousands, I mean billions would have bought, and Africans are different from Asian,south american,north american, etc so same rule cnt apply to all, but we r all human, roses may not cut it for an african, kneeling or bending to greet may not cut it for an american, spraying of color and blings may not cut it for an asian. Understanding her secret, is d strategy to gud biz, so friends marriage is a business venture that require hard work, u can’t give up on at anytime, my excitement about this biz are, u can take a vacation when u want,There is no competition, at the end of d day, u make sweet, sexual, slow music playing, she calling ur name, and u telling her how much u love her..kind of love to ur PA and the woman also to her boss..*wink* I knw dat is some of ur fantasy!..in marriage u can have it all. Remember the requirement for this employment…I forgot creativity is absolutely part of it…the writer identity this and said “not lazy love”

9 09 2013
Chris1980

This writer did leave some jewels. It was his (mans) perspective but this applies to women also. And marriage should be 100/100 but often it’s not. There are 80/20 days, 90/10 days, 50/50 days. But, he has given a great outline for those that are courting or engaged to live by. It’s for those 10+ yr married couples that have it all figured out also. Glad someone else didn’t leave the potholes covered up with leaves and was transparent enough to grant some insight to possible preventive maintenance. Thanks to the writer. Excellent read and I pray that God, you, and your wife work this thing out!!

9 09 2013
the machine

20 pieces of advice? How about just 1 piece of advice – Don’t get married!

9 09 2013
sweety jines

Love This Story all of us. Married people need to. read this!!

10 09 2013
Karenah

This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing this. Your are indeed an expert because you learned from your experience and not only wrote about but shared it.
I wish this could get in the hands of men before they marry. I have had men walk out if my life because they didn’t understand these solid principles.
I love marriage and what it has to offer. I believe the perspective on marriage has changed greatly and the commitment level has dwindled.
I yet remain a hopeful romantic and believe one day the man I love will love me in the same vain of your passage.
Blessings to you in finding love again.
Karenah..

10 09 2013
mada

I agree with Gloria 100%. this is slavery being described. marriage is supposed to be a 2 way affair

11 09 2013
NikkiVale

Thanks for that read. Some will take this and do the work and yet some will not. Today many young people want the fairy tale to just happen not realizing there’s work involved. Nothing achieved/gained is ever easy i.e. getting a doctorate, raising great kids, being successful etc. You must fight to win!!! Fight for your relationship to work and definitely learn each other love language, this will make the journey joyous!!!

11 09 2013
Lee

I must first thank the writer for share this article. These are very good points however I think some of them should go for both the husband and wife…and even if the husband is to follow these guidelines to the letter it is still no guarantee that the marriage will be successful. I believe both parties must be aligned…it could be that the wife got married for the wrong reasons or she not willing to do what it takes to make it work. Some of us guys can do so much and no more. Once both parties are not on the same page and/or doesn’t have WILL to make it work then not even LOVE will keep them together forever.

11 09 2013
Veronique Chukwumalume

Have learnt a lot.Thanks.

12 09 2013
Yvonne Williams

Nice read, men need to learn these truth earlier , stop playing with womens heart. Stop lying.

12 09 2013
Aldana Allen

At the time of my writing, there are already 179 responses. I won’t pretend like I read them all, but I read a good majority. For those of you saying that this is “slavery” or that the author failed to look out for himself, then you clearly missed the second point in the article. “Protect your own heart.” I have never been divorced, but I have been separated. My wife and I were apart for a year; but we stayed in constant contact and we still visioned our lives together. When we reconnected, I found myself doing just about everything the author here suggested. I have no doubt my wife was working just as hard on her end and it does take two to tango. Still, this message was for men and what they needed to do. Every bit of it is sound advice. Everything from being accountable to your own emotions, to not trying to fix your partner, to giving each other space, to forgiveness… all of it is about “manning up” and giving your very best to your marriage. I also appreciate number 18. Frustrations with money cause so many fights in a relationship. Be smarter than that game.

12 09 2013
Janine

I just reread the article to see which point I liked the most. Point #8 is the one that brought tears to my eyes. Looking back over my +30 years of marriage, to a man who does everyone of these points, and found that my husbands ability to be there to just hold me when I need it has been my main strength this past 4 years of my taking care of my mother as she slowly wasted away. When she passed away he held me for hours as I was able to open up my heart to release the pain

15 09 2013
Anonymous

This is lovely

17 09 2013
Anonymous

I love this and I wish all husbands will take this into practice, I swear all homes will be heaven on earth. If all men will do these to their wives I bet you every woman will submit even if she is the satan herself cos this is the type of love every woman dream of.

18 09 2013
Demonte Salter

This is the most powerful guidance I can ever ask for.This was needed by me to show and teach me morals about marriage that would take me years to figure out…from this day forward I will read this entire passage until its in my mind to correct if I’m doing anything other then what it teaches me and my past actions in my almost two years of marriage…and one more thing I can’t believe I felt spiritually moved when God the father nor the son was mentioned neither a scripture from the Holy word itself…to the writer if you don’t have Godd maybe thats what was missing if it not the case we all know Satan is walking through open door he can find and beating down the ones that’s not…

18 09 2013
Sylvia B Mwansa

This is the most sensible and emotional sharing from a man I have ever come accross. Thank you Team for sharing. This will definately save some marriages.
Regards
SBM

19 09 2013
Mrs. Boakye

Can I tell you something? … when do you find a wife, you will make a perfect husband. I am convinced beyond worldly doubts. Life is full of experiences… but with Christ in it, you will be guided to put all you have said in prospective and still live ” happily ever after….. Lean not on your understanding, but He that ordained MARRIAGE to be a happy union.

Mrs. Boakye

23 09 2013
nneky

HMM HMM

24 09 2013
Egwuchukwu Ifensor

A wise and good one indeed.He who has ears, let him hear.

24 09 2013
daniel

U work dis hard to keep a lady and she still falls in love with another person….. Guess u call dat fate…if u ask me,I don’t think love is d answer its coexisting dat works better,nt necessarily love

22 02 2014
Anonymous

I sincerely hope you don’t really believe that; it’s simply not true. Please take advice and do what works– based on truth and experience.

27 09 2013
Jim de Graav

Gerald, you have done a good job by advising your fellow brothers in Christ and all other men, this takes courage. By opening your heart and showing your deepest emotions and thoughts you won respect and others feel safe to share there failures with you.They are ready to receive your advice which haves a certain depth of wisdom you only have when you have been” there”
God appointed me to this ministry of restoring broken marital relationships and I also now what the sadness is of broken relationships and the suffering I have in intercessing in this ministry. Preceed doing what you are doing right now and God use more in this ministry. All blessings and Shalom, Jim

30 09 2013
Anonymous

Yes you didn’t have to choose you. She should protect your heart as well. Believe me, it’s not all on you dude. There are two in the marriage. Not only one person let it go sour. Dont be hard on yourself. It is as much her responsibility.

6 10 2013
Lorraine

Your reflections are so true my brother and I am glad you see the error of your ways. However, with the revelation you now have you can maintain a good relationship with your ex- wife and You can fall in love again even though you are divorced. I have a dear friend whose husband thought the grass was greener on the other side, only to find out that he had what he wanted and needed all along. After 5 years of being divorced, he started to date her again and recaptured her heart. The key is he repented asked for forgiveness and she gave him another chance. That was 30 years ago. They now have six grandchildren and love them together.
(a beautiful family). He got his priorities right, by lining with Christ first and his wife and family reaped the benefits of his inner spiritual peace and joy. The moral of this story is, as long as you are living and are willing to own up to your mistakes and asked to be forgiven it is never too late to restore your relationship.

6 10 2013
Editor

That was a lovely story and very good advice Lorriane and wise too. Thanks for sharing that lovely story

7 10 2013
rachelleZreality

Reblogged this on rachelleZreality.

7 10 2013
Anonymous

I enjoyed every thing you say. I love it word of wisdom thank you

8 10 2013
betty

This is nice if all men can read this. I was married for 2 years and seperated for 2 years, my marriage was hell on earth and he eventually left I felt like commiting sucide. I was sick for a year and now I am better the holyspirit was there to comfort me. I use to feel to me love again and I no I won’t make mistakes again.

8 10 2013
Editor

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Betty. You are a very strong woman. Yes, divorce, many people say is a traumatic, often suicidal experience. We thank God you are better and keep going from strength to strength. The hurt you felt when he left was a good sign that you Love him, and perhaps was the one most willing to make the marriage work. I hope your husband gets to read this story, could help him change . In any case send the article to all the men you know, who knows how many marriage you may save. Cheers

8 10 2013
Al Stewart

I read your words…very beautiful heart-felt and extensive teaching! This is the end of my second failed marriage that I am going through. You are correct but…cultural conditioning need to be factored for. In my first marriage I was a beautiful person to her…I got DOGGED! All of her sisters and sistah gurls instantly became marriage gurus. The street counseling and peer pressure inflicted upon her was devastating.
My second marriage…Problems magnified when the money got funny. Because of her job change, her constant exposure to other people’s ritzy lifestyle became a more powerful influence in her life. I have learned that women know when they are wrong but do not really care. No different than any married woman scantily clad twerking on a public forum like youtube.
Your words may keep a mans conscious clean but the outcome is filled with too many variables and most are eliminating your self-help points one at a time. I will reread and try to glean what I am in need of for the future Mrs…

8 10 2013
Al Stewart

The Apostle Paul said, “I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

A woman should be comfortable and content with the man in their life and the man delighted to be with her also.

9 10 2013
CJ

Perhaps I’m reading more between the lines than there is but what I am hearing the author say is that he is the one who messed up, so much so that it caused an irreparable tear in his marriage, which he now realizes and regrets, but only too late. Some blame your wife for leaving you, but since you’re not blaming her it stands to reason that you recognize some fault on your part that caused her to go. Perhaps taking her for granted, cheating on her, betraying her trust…whatever the “cause” owning up to it now just happens to be a little late. Divorce is a process and more so, reaching a point where divorce is the only option is even a lengthier process which undoubtedly allows sufficient time for reparation, repentance, reconciliation and recovery. If none of these were considered or explored during the eroding stage of the marriage then once again it assumes further neglect by the author at a crucial time. Hence, why now? Why did it have to take the papers being served to come to his senses. A beautiful soliloquy in restrospect does not a marriage make; way to late to see what you failed to acknowledge during the 16 years. Not a judgemental comment at all, but an appropriate cliche nonetheless “you never know what you have till it’s gone”. Perhaps taking the time to know what we have when we have it will save us from learning too late after it’s gone.

10 10 2013
liam

God said ,”Put me first and I will supply your needs.” He also said , ” Do unto other’s as you would have them do unto you.” Also ,”Be equally yoked.” Being God’s children ; we are to be “Holy” and loving in all our relationships . Men and women-treating one another equally. God destroyed the world once-and it was not because of Man VS Woman ; we are equally blamed .One is no better than the other. We are trying to re-invent marriage . We have the “Commandments,” and the Word . We need to stop getting our influence from” Television,” where everyone is fabricated and complicated . God wants us to be “Simplistic , loving , Knowledgeable , forgiving , wise and understanding . “Eat of my yoke , for it is easy,” said the Lord. Hollywood has re-invented marriage; it is now a love affair . God’s Will , is that Marriage be a (Commitment) . For better or worse, rich or poor , heath/sickness till death do us apart. God is not of confusion but of order and righteousness. I give God the Glory and the praise.

10 10 2013
bbpowers

Great advice

10 10 2013
KC

No wonder his marriage fell apart. rather one-sided and not a loving relationship described here. If a woman loves you she will be there always…if not you can try all the stuff written up here and she will still eventually leave you. The guy seems to think the success of a marriage is the responsibility of one person. Something tells me he didnt even try to make it work and is writing from the perspective of a guilt-ridden man. One can only go so far. the other must meet them half-way. We all are not perfect and if only one keeps trying to accept the flaws of another eventually they will hit rock bottom and will expect the other to stop taking advantage of their kindness. and mind you its very hard to be romantic to one who doesnt appreciate it and is constantly seeking their own glory and emancipation as an individual and never see themselves as one with their partner. Marriage is a partnership. you like romance be romantic to your partner or they will stop being romantic to you. You like dating then YOU set up a date and stop saying look at so and so’s husband they are romantic. you love to be happy then give happiness and stop walking around the house in a scowl! you get what you give. Only men and women who understand that will build perfect relationships to survive through all storms.

10 10 2013
KC

After 14 years and two beautiful children she is leaving. I suffered 3 years of depression after she quit my church and slandered against it, and then confessed to infidelity of many years ago. Nevertheless I accepted it as my cross to bear and knew i have not always been perfect too. I even tried to use it as a chance to rebuild the relationship and strengthen it, but simply got rejection and pride. Se has no job and quit her job against my advice but still i accepted my duty to provide, sometimes working till late hours to add to family income. She is moody and when upset can go weeks with silent treatment. Never have i ever considered divorce even though I prepared my heart incase…. seeing the trend in her changes in loyalty. It has thrown me into confusion and I am now feeling the need to give her the freedom to go on her “journey of self discovery.” my biggest fear is her goingtoo far or my reaching that stage of no return. We still live together and will wait till she moves out to finalise things. I feel she hates my family but have accepted that too, though i have never showed hatred towards her side of the family. Sometimes its just time to let go when someone continues to hurt hurt hurt you and never considers your hapiness too. theres no fun in accepting everything while the other must make a big issue of everything and nag about itrather than peacefully resolve it. It weighs on the heart and shortens one’s life. Maybe its time to let go and live for my children only in life. It will be lonely but atleast I will not be nursing anybody’s feelings. Sometimes women seem to me to think their feelings must be nursed by their men while men have no right to being loved, held, hugged, and comforted. They seem to think preparing dinner and cleaning up everyday is love enough for a man. SMy advice to women reading this and saying YES! Stop fooling yourselves…you too have a duty to emotionally care for your man and to stop belittling and trying to stage manage him. Maybe then you will get all the romance you dream about and see in the movies.

10 10 2013
Editor

Thanks for sharing your story KC. It must have been very hard, I sympathize. You are right, husband and wife should be generous, selfless and love each other deeply. That is the only way it can work. But the husband should, like in every area, lead the way, even in this….

10 10 2013
Margaret

I wish my ex husband would have let go of the past. We both made mistake, but he wouldn’t let go. I do miss my marriage but their wouldn’t be no trust if we got back together.

10 10 2013
Andrea

Great article. Puts things into perspective. We must always put God in front of our marriage, otherwise how else you able to accept the flaws and suffering of your partner. Many things to learn…

12 10 2013
Anonymous

Mannn, Idf you know all that you should have already torn up your papaerwork…I been married 17 and she make me sick! and we both still together..I know in my heart its for the greater good we stay together, and for the kids, but they growing up an they see our flaws. According to her she dont have any, and wont listen to me so I do me, I love that she cook and clean, but I need more, if she not willing to give it, then i get what I NEED BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE. Yes we significantly change every 5 years..and many time the other party changes into something you dont want..so we will see, i can go on and on..but TIRED!

13 10 2013
Imisi

Brilliant advice. Hopefully, with right amount of dedication it’ll all come together nicely.

!.!.!

13 10 2013
Editor

Yes, Imisi, let us hope. In any case, it is an advice that could save many marriages from Divorce

13 10 2013
Emmanuel Adjorlolo

Yes we can love to the max. The key to take our world to another level is true Love
May God be our helper.

14 10 2013
truthteller

You said this was advice to married couples but most of what you wrote was for men. So, what advice do you have for women? What is their part in this?

15 10 2013
Xoli

Mmhh, so wish my soon to be x-husband had an opportunity to read this.

He clearly didn’t know what he had and now its gone.
Sad!!

15 10 2013
karin-kay

Acknowledged

16 10 2013
Anonymous

This is a great article…I would like to see this from a woman’s side too. Women shouldn’t take advantage of their man knowingly or unknowingly. Connection, passion and sex is important it’s a two way street you can’t leave it all up to your man.

18 10 2013
Jennifer

What about advise to the woman,it takes two. I am a woman, but will admit that some women need some of that advise also

19 10 2013
Joyce

Going through a divorce but i knew from the very start not to say i do but i did anyway. He cheated on me before the marriage needless to say all through the 4 years following. Because this is my fault i plan to minister to the broken and shattered hearted aslike me who have to be true to self and come into the same acceptance that they be healed in order to forgive themselves

20 10 2013
Webly Alfred (@WinWithWebly)

So refreshing to read especially coming from someone who’s been there. To respond to a comment that says “easier said then done”. You make things happen when there is interest. Lack of interest and desire makes people give up. I see some husbands out there take better care of their cars, hobbies with friends then their wives and children.

22 10 2013
Gina

I too divorced after 16 years of marriage and realized so many mistakes both myself and my ex-husband made together. I am now in a very loving and positive relationship with a wonderful man that I would love to marry one day. I have too learned from my mistakes. I have passed this article on to my boyfriend… Thank you for your wonderful words of advice…. Good luck to you in finding a new beginning!

26 10 2013
Blue_Hat

And women need to apply some if not all of this advice to their relationships too. Most of what men should do women should do too!

26 10 2013
Anonymous

I read half this article and realize this man has grown ovaries. Grow back ur balls bredda. If love gone, it gone. If it’s still there then there’s a platform on which to build and continue building.

26 10 2013
Jola Obire

Yes Donna you are so right. Why not seek restitution with your wife and pray her back instead of re-marrying. With all these advice, when put to practice, she will fall in love with you all over again. Women get smitten by actions not words because words are so empty without action. Please go back to your first love. I pray God heals her heart so it’s softened to receive you.

28 10 2013
luke

if this guy is so good then why is he getting a divorce? i will give you some advice i heard from a man married 60 years… work it out,relationships take work,give and take,and dont go to bed angry

29 10 2013
Ludovick S Mwijage

Gerald Rogers’ ”My Advice To Married Couples…” is true in both substance and spirit. Unfortunately, though, the wisdom of a hindsight tend to precede a disastrous or unsuccessful event.

1 11 2013
Megan Fran

So beautifully written – and advice more meaningful than any marriage therapist could provide. You may not feel like looking for love again, but when you do, you’ll do it right the second time around. As to Luke, ever heard of the word, hindsight? Find somewhere else to take your anger.

4 11 2013
Racharina

Has he been remarried yet? If not I want to marry him.

21 11 2013
Robert Pavelea

What a fantastic article. I like number 16 in particular, because so many people end their relationships because they are trying to find someone who doesn’t have a dark side. But the dark side gives us dimension and depth, and should not be shunned. check out the book Love, Freedom, Aloneness by Osho if you liked this article.

22 11 2013
Anonymous

This should go for either husbands or wife’s. Lengthy but interesting!

26 11 2013
Phineas

I wish I could say that your ‘advice’ works…..I have lived by every single point you’ve made, and still wound up getting a divorce. We are in a new age of feminism where all men are considered ‘losers’ no matter what they do. I don’t recommend marriage to anyone…..it’s too dangerous and too painful!

26 11 2013
Phineas

Oh yes, and also……notice the female comments…….for the most part, all ‘gushing’ and complimentary of this guy! What a farce!

4 12 2013
F. A. Robinson

I thought I would never come across a man who understand how to truly and completely love a woman. Through his pain he has perfected that. Wow!! My soul reached out to him. I wish him all the best that life has to offer.

8 12 2013
Anonymous

Dude why don’t you send this to your wife and get her back.

9 12 2013
Lazina

Advice to married couples.

9 12 2013
Anonymous

I am a woman and I feel this man’s pain…however, It’s seems as if he is blaming himself for the failure of his marriage. I understand their is two sides to the story but. at the same time relationships does not depend solely on what one person does or does not do….I agree it takes two….Gerald you are saying a lot….it takes two and no not a 50/50/, 60/40…100 from both….trust, communication, is the key….Some things I agree with and some….It’s not your wife Job to make you happy then who? visa/versa….I believe that many couples jump into relationships and marriages without getting to know each other first,,,,,,be friends, communicate, be honest about what you want and are looking for and make sure you are compatible…they say opposites attract that is not always true..my mate and I have so much in common ….I’m just saying……

9 12 2013
Anonymous

hmm

10 12 2013
azucapie

This was an amazing read. I personally thank you for this. I am going to share this with my fiancé and we will thoroughly discuss these very valid points. God bless you greatly.

10 12 2013
Anonymous

Read it for real babe I though about us when I read it

10 12 2013
Bobel

Excellent advice and well said…

10 12 2013
Philip

Same happened to me. I wish I had read what you wrote before my wife walked after 30 years together. It was the most painful experience of my life.
I am also much wiser now but you can’t change the past and I wont try, I will just move forward. There is nothing else to do only forgive—- if you want to be happy.
Philip

10 12 2013
Archer knight

Great information. Marriage is a tough thing and it’s taking for something cool and flashy , when it should be considered an investment. An investment in time, self, each other, and the future. You wouldn’t just let your financial investment fail, you stick through the recession and pray for it to get better. GREAT ADVICE, best of luck. Also feel free to visit my site on relationship building also.

10 12 2013
Anonymous

This is so true , if my first husband would have followed 1/2 of these steps I would still be with him !

11 12 2013
Anonymous

This is something I want to share with you and welcome your thoughts. I need you. I love you and I am glad our friendship is strong.

11 12 2013
Tammy

This is the best most inspiring heartfelt touching, article I ever read being recently divorced this article touches on every feeling,lost hope, dream, and emotions whomever the author you are a wise man…I wish you much success in love in your next marriage and if you hold true too these things you just shared you will be a wonderful husband to someone during your next journey thank you so very much for sharing

11 12 2013
Anonymous

Take your time to read this please

11 12 2013
John Bowden

Powerful to say the least! I would add one more thing…………..and even for Joachim Cabanyes to take notice of. Put God above even your wife. God must be first. We cannot rely on our own wisdom. If we do, we are destined to fail no matter how much faith we put in our spouses and in ourselves to do the right thing as we grow.

11 12 2013
Rosalind Fowlkes

Very insightful. Something we all can learn from.

11 12 2013
luta

It is good to do whatever is above said, however, stay conscious if you are putting so much effort to keep something with you that means the thing is still not yours and never going to be yours.. it is good to love someone unconditionally but it is futile to love someone which would take your lot of energy and still she/he is not yours .. :)

11 12 2013
Nancy

Beautiful

11 12 2013
Jacqueline Evanego

I’m impressed by your advice. I have been divorced 13 years, and as the years go by and on my journey back to church, as a woman, I would love to give advice to married women. The most important thing I would say is to never stop respecting their husbands.

11 12 2013
Tawana

This really touched my heart, & took me back to a place when my husband’s heart was filled with lust for another woman. I immediately wanted a DIVORCE, but he didn’t. Every day was a new struggle & challenge. My heart was filled with bitterness, hatred & malice. We went through counseling with our Pastor & each day Jesus started weaving our hearts back as one. Today we are in love now more than ever & I’m grateful that we DID NOT get a DIVORCE. We love and are in love with each other more daily.

11 12 2013
Anonymous

After 21 years of marriage I left my husband. I did nothing right in his eyes. I felt used, abandoned, and most of all not loved. Yes, he would tell me that he love me, but show is better. I don’t hate him but I can’t go back . Thanks for writing about it.

11 12 2013
sherry wright

Love is a powerfulword.things happen life you don’t understand but all things work together for the good of them llove love the lord.and who are. call to his purpose and will for your life.in the right time and the right season you will understand it better by and by

11 12 2013
Anonymous

Advice to singles thinking about marriage

11 12 2013
Edward Marria

fully agree with this story I am going through the same situation. I will take this story and try to live on

11 12 2013
BigHead

Honesty, Communication, Love And trust. you will stay together forever thats my opinion.

11 12 2013
Casetra Frederick

Great info… Thanks

11 12 2013
Beka Shakur

I came across this 2 late, he’s already moved out, & gave his heart 2 someone else, but it gave me a better understanding of how & where i went wrong

11 12 2013
Anonymous

Please read this thru and then think about it.

11 12 2013
VTT

You lost me with #12. Surely you don’t really mean “take”?!

11 12 2013
Rachael Theragood

I just ended a relationship because I didn’t have these things. I love what was written and will make sure the next one is fulfilling as these words are.

11 12 2013
Dr. David Stevens

Take all that you have learned and go back and win your bride. It is seldom too late. Swallow your pride and pull out the stops. Admit your love is not over you just messed up. Fill your way with prayer and faith. God can show you the way! Now go and do it!

11 12 2013
Renee

Love this

12 12 2013
Robyn

Amazing, amazing words. You may not be a relationship expert, but you sure nailed some serious issues here with the grace of a man that has truly loved and the knowledge of most experts, most I must say that don’t have the personal experience to back their advice.
Thank you for the personally touching and thought provoking read.

12 12 2013
will

The bottom line for me is both people in the marriage have to want the marriage if both individuals are not willing to look at themselves and take responsibility for there part in a failed or failing marriage then it’s not going to work any way so if a person don’t want you (your marriage) let them go !!!!!!

12 12 2013
s. badiyah austin

i see a lot that he says the man has to do, but what about her, us, as the women? black men are targeted by everyone, us especially, as inherently broken, something to be “fixed”. but, ladies, we aren’t super women, and we have our issues, too. my father was greatness. i was raised around commendable men who married some shifty, ungrateful women. i commend his humility. but don’t be so to the detriment of truth and scoring brownie points. we black women have a nasty history of having a hard time with facing our own bullsh*t.

12 12 2013
Lena

Marriage is work and at some point we get tired

12 12 2013
Janie A.

It’s funny how men and women realize this after it’s too late. Not funny Ha Ha, but it’s an irony I guess is the word I’m looking for, that it makes it funny. All these things shoulda, coulda, woulda been done if we only knew, if only someone had told us.
You mention you will hopefully one day remarry and use all these points. The twist is, now you will be giving this second person 110% when the first person who was giving their 110% was only receiving 50% of effort! Karma? Destiny? The way life goes? Who knows….

12 12 2013
Anonymous

You have touched not only my heart but my soul, thank you.

12 12 2013
Love Abused

I found your article to be therapeutic for me….I’m just ending a 15year marriage, and I empty. I feel empty. I feel like I gave him all I had and it still wasn’t enough. I don’t believe in love anymore, not romantic love. I’m afraid to give my hear now. I know that God will heal my heart in time, but I’m skeptical about loving a man again like I loved my husband. I found your article refreshing, and true…..it gives me hope. I hope you find love again.

Peace and Blessings…

12 12 2013
Anonymous

This is what I’ve been trying so hard to say. It’s incredible. Good advice for BOTH of us! We should read this together and put it in practice.

12 12 2013
Rosalind Thames Miller

This is one of the best articles I have read on marriage ever!!!!! Too bad it will fall on deaf ears. Most guys can’t receive this kind of info until after the fact . Well thought out, well written, open and honest….. It brings tears to my eyes!!!! BRAVO!!!

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Ladies, Now apply it to yourself for the man in your life or the last guy you broke up with! It’s easy to set high expectations from others but very hard to apply to yourself! If you get the slightest doubt for whatever reason that you cannot apply it to yourself with your ex or current man then you just prove that this article is BS! If you can, then kudos to you!

12 12 2013
Rochelle Minniefield

paragraph 2 love the worldly openly please explain I have my own thoughts on this but would love for you to explain thanks in advance I’m 39 never been married not because I wasn’t asked just wasn’t for me even tho I spent a decade with my daughters father & I walked again I shared this about myself since you were so generous with your thoughts …

12 12 2013
mellah

Simply beautiful.

12 12 2013
jamesrevelsthecomposer

“Your woman deserves that from.” Best Line of the post!

12 12 2013
L Del Rio

This could also be reversed and applied to women. Marriage is a two way street. 50/50….I was married for 20 yrs…I feel your pain.

13 12 2013
Lena

Marriage is not 50/50! If you give 50% of yourself and vice versa then the both of you are half stepping. In marriage you should give/receive 100% which is your absolute best.

12 12 2013
jasonskywalker5

Big talk

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Great story, but I must add the greatest mistake we make is falling in love, why not chose to love. When you chose to love you wake in the morning and say to yourself how will love my wife today and you spend that day loving her as you chose to love.

Stop falling in love and you will never fall out of love.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

This is excellent advice. At the same time a woman could re-write this about a good man that she let get away. There are still some good God fearing men left in the world.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

I agree totally with every word you said. I only hope that the women that receive your message realize those same qualities and characteristics need to be displayed to their husbands as well! Most women do not realize that through the thick skin, the muscles, the strong men that sometimes hide the softer side of them because society said it is what men are supposed to do, is aan that deserved those same qualities! Again I believe every word you said is true and thank you for sharing your experience.

12 12 2013
Rosalind Mason

Your experience is truly worth it*s weight in gold! However, the principles in your experience is applicable to both husbands & wives. For it takes both with the same goals and desires to fight for a common cause, their marriage. She must have deep respect for him, and he should cherish her as he does his own body. Thank you for your insight!

12 12 2013
Darius W

I am not even married, but this applied to my recent breakup of 5 years. It was excellent advice and several good points. Like you said maybe she will come back like a song bird.

Thanks for sharing.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Thank U..I believe my husband can receive this from another man.. Thank U I wish u happiness in love. This will help many of us.. God is Amazing

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Thank you for sharing. I read this aloud to my husband, not because we’re having problems, but just to remind him. In 2011 I legally separated from him for many of the reasons mentioned above, as well as the mental abuse I had suffered. After 16 years I finally threw in the towel, and found the strength to take back my life.
Unbeknownst to me, God had a different plan. After a few months of freedom my husband must have had some type of revelation, because he began to reach out to me, professing his love for me, admitting that he had mistreated me, begging for a second chance to show me he could be that husband deserved to have, and to treat me like his queen. However, not willing to believe him, I rejected him, continued living apart from him, but he was persistent and continued his quest to win my heart back, and one year later (I divorced him), only to accept his proposal a week later and married him for the second time.
Today, with pride I can say that my marriage is blessed by God, and my latter days are greater than my former days! I am my husband’s “queen” in every way.

12 12 2013
Zaire

Great piece thank you very much you made me see the light.

12 12 2013
rena

Well said. While I know that this is from a man’s perspective, I also feel that some of it can apply to us females.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

This is awesome advice well done I have been married for 15 years and I love my husband with everything I have he is the best man In my life Christ has turned him into a man every marriage women and men should follow this. It’s not easier said than done just do it. Happy wife, happy life.

12 12 2013
Duane Byrd

Beautifully said!

12 12 2013
Anonymous

What Awesome Words of Wisdom Coming from a Man who apparently learned his lesson in a Heartfelt Way! Encouraging men & women to invest the time to read this a couple of times and allow your Heart to hear his message and his cry, which could possibly help Us to avoid our own Heartbreak! And to the Author of this timely message I Solute you for the Courage to share your lived lessons learned!

12 12 2013
Mary

This piece moved me to tears …

12 12 2013
Ms H

This was on point… I will let my Husband read this, as we have been married 16 years and for the past 1yr and 1/2 have been experiencing ups and Downs… I see everyone has a story to tell, in fact this is the name of my book I’m working on… It’s work, but We Love on another and continue to love and make the best of US!!!!

12 12 2013
Ke

Thank you so much! I am currently separated for the past 4 years now & married 25 years, it hurts when the marriage ends after half of my life, starting over is the hardest thing I have to go though. But I know that GOD has a plan for me& that’s what keeps me going, forward I love being married also, & one day I will do it again, am a beautiful person, I love hard & completely, giving all I have to give, my children are all grown up, looking forward to my new life full of possibility & LOVE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE;) THANKS AGAIN,may you FINDLOVE AGAIN ;) GOD’S BLESSINGS CONTINUE IN YOUR LIFE MY BROTHER …
PEACE!!

12 12 2013
Anonymous

I have been married for 42 years. The main ingredient in the relationship Is Jesus Christ. When you follow Gods ways you will have success.

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Awesome comment..

12 12 2013
Minister Basquiat

I am sorry but I tried all about the wife thing-and it- nearly destroyed my marriage. The bible says men love your wife and wife respect your husband. Marriage is a lot of work, but unfortunately, that’s a lesson many of us don’t fully grasp … This is advice can work for both men and women. Sorry I disagree when you said “ It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love”.
However-The Holy Spirit says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ. So let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
I’ve’ have been married 33 years and in love for 37 years with the same women. I wonder if the failure of your marriage -100% your fault, Again I believe your message –should benefits both husband and wife, its a great message.

12 12 2013
A Woman

WOW! Recently I realized I’ve never been loved. 54 years. Oh I was in relationships, but always with men who were not capable of love. It made me very sad to realize & admit. Now I read this, and it is very deep. It hit me in the heart. If this happened to me, it would make up for all those years wasted! Bless you fro writing this – it’s the most important thing!

12 12 2013
Pastor T

I would like to that in my book. I’m working on chapter call Love I would to add that part in it.

12 12 2013
Jonathan Doeman

I’m just curious to know why it’s all on the man though? It takes two! Based on this article, it seems as if the man has sole responsibility to keep the marriage together…I disagree…it takes two! If the husband has all these types of expectations, what the HELL is the woman doing? What, the husband’s happiness is all of a sudden irrelevant? f#ck outta here!

12 12 2013
Loving this post

A lot of people that commented on this post, should have left well enough alone. You have to go through certain things in life male or female to truly understand and pull from what he was saying in this article. There are a lot of simple minded, naïve, posts on here. This man is only giving “ADVICE” to you by “his” experience good or bad. All things work together for the good for those that love the lord. This post is a really genuine post that I really love and if you get defensive and don’t agree then it is not something for you to criticize. He seems as if he is a humble man, truly pouring out his heart from his situation if more of us did that we would not be in certain situations in life.

13 12 2013
Jacqueline Evanego

Well said

12 12 2013
Sharon

Wow!

12 12 2013
Anonymous

Amen to everything well said! What a beautiful testimony for men and women in a committed relationship! Nothing is better than Love sweet Love

12 12 2013
Melissa Waters

Please read baby :)

13 12 2013
Pastor G

Write a book! I believe your nuggets will sell to others!

13 12 2013
Jacqueline Evanego

Love your comment, suggesting the author of this article write a book. I think all of us that have grown by looking inward after divorce could contribute. I was divorced 12 years ago, and the more time goes by, the more I am able to see my part in the disintegration of my marriage.

13 12 2013
DrGundi

Went through a similar case scenario but luckily reconciled BEFORE divorce was finalized! Could not be happier today … Great points well worth considering – hopefully before it’s too late !

13 12 2013
Cassie

Thank you for your bit of advice about reserving that one part of you for your spouse, and your spouse only. Obviously you are speaking from a male perspective, but as a 16+ years married woman, I will say that the only way to avoid the temptation that comes to EVERYONE is to have that inviolable space that belongs ONLY to your wife/husband. Even the most perfect person ever (Jesus) was tempted…you have hit upon a very good way to make sure that once tempted, you can stay firm.

13 12 2013
mslaidback

Love it!!! I pray it reaches & teach others to trust God & don’t loose the one that God placed in your life for a fling. May you find peace, love & forever again with your FUTURE:) (spoke that into existence)
Thx for sharing your story peace & blessings!

13 12 2013
Dimplez4u2luv

This article touched my heart as I just went through a divorce myself in May 2013 after 5 yrs….this brought tears to my eyes….I gave all of that to my ex-husband but he wasn’t real about his love for me. He was in it for all the wrong reasons. Great article and I had to share it! TY!

13 12 2013
Sara N. Johnson

I really enjoyed this…words from my own heart soul and mind…I so wish there was a training for our young men to appreciate the woman….they have been so misguilded by our society…We so need to Love and Trust one another. Thanks brother this was so informative…

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Thanks . A lot of the things you mention I lack . Not because I didn’t know but I just didn’t know how to do it or say it . So thanks for being the ” voice box ” for all men who want to do right .

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Wow…words from someone that has a few regrets…maybe you can start over again, will she remarry the man you have become…sounds like you need to get her back quick…God gives second chances, see if she will…

13 12 2013
Caroline Phillips

I find this sad..and maybe a little to late for me..I’m the one who no longer loves my husband ..mainly because of his undesirable personality and his selfish ways..he is a hater of all life..although i know he has tremendous love for me..i can no longer return his love..and has pushed me into loving another’s heart and soul..someone who loves and returns love

13 12 2013
marcia bruce

I to find it really sad to keep on loving my husband…. because he was very selfish, he had pushed me into loving another heart and soul…. someone who loves and returns love to me

22 02 2014
Anonymous

Are you Caroline Phillips?

14 12 2013
Christa

4. Always see the best in him. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

14 12 2013
Jam

The devil is a lie!! stand up for your marriage. You are talking about feelings get yourself together and stand up for your covenant. Get counseling, Get on your knees and pray do what it takes. Because the one you think is so great now has issues too. And when they come to the surface will he push you into the arms of another loving heart and soul. Or when your mess rises to the top, and we all have mess in us. Will you have pushed him into the arms of loving another. I am not trying to be harsh but this is sad. Feelings are fickle they change Love is a commitment and it is long suffering.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Awesome

13 12 2013
MissLady

So, it seems like these are things that you have always known deep down but maybe did not know how to practice? It may be personal, but for the sake of blessing the ignorant (like me) what parts of the knowledge that you’ve shared in this article do you feel that you missed so much that 16 years of love had to come to a definite end? Honest question for the author.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

All these people saying that the other “sex” should do it too, have not gotten the message of this article. They will more than likely suffer the same fate

13 12 2013
Mrs D

A Divorce is NOT the end. You CAN and SHOULD reconcile and remarry the Wife of your youth. Study what it means to b
e a “Stander” you can find info on Facebook and online. Then you can apply these awesome insights to your Covenant Wife who deserves it and who GOD ordained you to Love. God Bless!!

13 12 2013
Anonymous

My husband and i divorced and then remarried after two years. This time around we both had matured and realized that God had meant for us to be together. We are happier.

13 12 2013
Keneilwe Lekang

Wow!good words.
But why not marry her again,now that you have seen your mistakes

13 12 2013
Mary

Sometimes, it’s just too late. She (or he) may have moved on. And when you’re no longer in the same place and you’re no longer the same person, sometimes your best shot is in learning to let go of the past, completely, while you embrace a new “normal.”

“I’m sorry” doesn’t fix everything…especially when the wounds are very deep and the hurt is profound. I appreciate my brother for giving such clear insight on what he now recognizes to be fatal flaws, that can cause good things to go bad.

I once read somewhere that relationships are like fine china. If you ever drop a piece of good china, you can always put it back together with really, really good glue. The crack is barely noticeable. But if you look close enough, you can tell that it’s still there. Good marriages, good family relationships and good friendships are the same way. Handle with care. Because once you break it, though you use your best glue…your best efforts, your best apology and your best shower of gifts to put it back together, that fine, hairline crack is still there. And the right amount of pressure…the right stress on that hairline fracture, could cause it to break again only this time perhaps, irreparably.

This young man has written down some INVALUABLE lessons that all of us need to remember. Marriage….relationships, are work. And the good times are not a given, but they’re a reward after you’ve (in the words of my Coach – Iyanla) “done your work”!

13 12 2013
Anonymous

I agree with you. So much stuff that is posted is one sided.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

And the thumbs down are coming from females too! Males got you covered!

13 12 2013
Anonymous

The content of what was expressed is good, sound and positive. However, it remains to be seen that this content was meaningful, believed and applied – for if it were odds are likely he would have cancelled actions to divorce his wife as he would begin. be and continue doing the things written.
Read the Heading – he divorced his wife of 16 years, yet has so much to express about what others should do to preserve and keep their marriage.
Similar to the guy on “preachers of la” who had knocked up a woman while in the process of getting a divorce, yet claiming he had learned so much over the years that should have helped his first marriage. Yet, while he is in divorce proceedings he is having adulterous relationship, had a child from this relationship and expresses that God’s blessing is yet upon him and his ministry.

13 12 2013
Corey Pritchett

That part! !!!

13 12 2013
Anonymous

You can’t remarry someone who doesn’t want to be married to you. Also, just because someone goes through the paper work process of divorce, that doesn’t make them the reason for the divorce. It’s the outcome of what has happened in one or both hearts. It is not fair of any of us to question the genuineness of this man’s words just because he is divorced. After all he said himself that he learned these things too late. I think he addresses men because he is a man, and he’s hoping to help other men avoid his outcome.

13 12 2013
Caroline

Gerald thank you for being so open. I can feel your heart from your words. Its a checklist for both men and women. Its not to late to get your wife back. Use what you said and get your woman back. I would also ask that you make God the center of your life and marriage. All things are possible through him. I will pray for you and the restoration of your marriage. Peace in Christ.

13 12 2013
Mrs D

I’m touching in agreement… Amen!! :)

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Advice

13 12 2013
Nina Jones

Great article. I’m praying for God to heal you, and your lovely wife. I still she her as such. She will always be your wife until death regardless of papers.

My prayer is that the two of you mend what God has put together! She may be extremely hurt right now, just continue to stay in prayer.

We all fall short and have weakness. It seems you’ve learned a great deal. You really poured your heart out in this post.

Keep writing for it is healing to the soul. God bless! -Nina

13 12 2013
mark emmanuel

interesting

13 12 2013
To sure

Impress me by getting her back. Anything one does he can do again. That’s when the lesson has truly been learned.

13 12 2013
Tanya Love

This is really nice. I do agree that this will fall on deaf ears…because people rather criticize than to let this great information sink in. This is really helpful information to the right person cause not everyone is going to receive this.

13 12 2013
mandy

That was the best advise you could ever give to a man. Maybe they will take love more serious. God works in mysterious ways…

13 12 2013
AdjustedSails

i only wish, “Don’t be an idiot” were followed by “Be an idiot”…like..have fun, ppl! have fun, make a fool of yourself for love’s sake, be willing to risk it all…if u don’t, you’ll never be fully known and you’ll never fully know your spouse. ;)

13 12 2013
Anonymous

I too was divorced and REMARRIED my ex.. (we were married for 28 years) I remarried him because God told me to. Its not perfect, but what marriage is. We both had issues, but our faith in God has/is helping us…. and I believe our ladder years will be greater than our former. Your article is great, please remember it is NEVER too late to reconcile your marriage.

13 12 2013
sharon

I felt everything I read..I’m not married but I will cherish this…I would love to have it printed and framed…loved it..every man/woman need to read. But question for the author…after writing all this and relizing what went wrong, why aren’t you “Fighting” to get her back? Practice what you preach…its never to late…God Bless

13 12 2013
Mary

Not true, Sis. Sometimes it IS too late.

As I said in an earlier post, sometimes the damage is too great to repair – just like a wrecked car. A car can be in an accident and get really messed up. But a good mechanic and a good body shop can make that baby look almost like new. But there are other times when the damage is so bad that the insurance company writes it off as “a total loss.” Meaning that, although a mechanic may work on it and a body shop may restore it, the HIDDEN damage…the things that can’t be seen and the underlying problems that may not be detectable NOW, outweigh the good sense, the time and the cost of repairing that vehicle. You’re better off getting a new one.

You can’t get back something that is over. I mean really and truly, over. (And only he and his ex know if it’s truly finished, or if there is something that can be salvaged). And we gotta learn that there is sometimes, greater benefit for you AND the other person in letting go, rather than trying to hold on to something that needs to be declared “a total loss.”

13 12 2013
Anonymous

This brought tears to my eyes…..

13 12 2013
Jay

And if you’re a man… and when you read this all you had to say is WTF, then… you need help! Imma pray for you! (especially if you’re a husband/husband to be).

13 12 2013
Zee

This has nothing to do with ‘praying’.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Wow is all I can say!. Everything was the Truth. I’m currently going thru a divorce after 26 years of marriage. I thank you for sharing. I could relate to everything and identified the breakdown in my marriage. All of the above. Thank you for being transparent. More men need to hear this. I will definitely share. Thank you!!

13 12 2013
Anonymous

The article is not one sided both partners have work to do. Read it again

13 12 2013
Elonda

I hope everyone can see and feel them selves in one or two of these statements. Because I have. I would love to have a man to love me this way because I would do the same for him on GOD’s time. thanks for sharing.

13 12 2013
J.

Thank you

13 12 2013
Ashley Medina

Then thats where your problem is!! Your not really listening! !!

13 12 2013
Ashley Medina

That was for jay not the writer ^^^^

13 12 2013
Ashley Medina

Im sorry the anonymous writer above jay

13 12 2013
Anonymous

You should read this

13 12 2013
yomi

Yes, WTF. That’s the man looking back to his mistakes and warning others. I have been married for over 40 years and i learn from reading this.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

It’s usually the women who get to the point of being just Fed up…but I do believe both should practice these

13 12 2013
Anonymous

I continue daily to make my marriage work. It has been 9 years. Because of the voice of the Creator I am still here. Sometimes I feel he is selfish and don’t hear or see my pain. Only God can change each of us. Faith till the end to make it better.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

I feel your pain send him this article!!

13 12 2013
anonymous

This is very detailed and very sweet. However, having just finished my divorce too, it makes we wonder what was so wrong that you had to get divorced if you knew this all along. You couldn’t possibly only now figured ALL of that out. A marriage breaks down over time and so I have to conclude that what you were doing during the marriage is far away from what you now advise. I know that had you even been doing one of those things, the others would have followed and you would probably be still be married. So it begs the question, what was so much more important to you to do that these things weren’t as important to do for her? I think when you figure out that, that would be the real lesson for us all.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Alot can be said about this article, but I too agree with the ladies that said most of the time the woman is the one who gets fed up and wants out. I think because alot of time men remain themselves and women always change to please the man. At some point, we realize its a sign of selfishness and start to feel unappreciated for all that we have done to become a “good wife” even if it was something we didnt want to change. I just feel like marriage isn’t final, and if either person feels as if they are done with it, it needs to end. If there is a reconciliation, it would have to be a complete reset and a brand new relationship. My husband and I are better as friends than a married couple, and once I realized that, I couldnt stay married or even re-marry him.

13 12 2013
Sarah

I understand how you feel, But this article gives sound reasons to the question “Why keep two people together if they are no longer in love? 1. social reasons 2. to provide a home for their children, 3. to protect the woman (who has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married) from being dropped whenever the man is tired of her. Here you can read it for yourself http://wp.me/p1MlsC-nQ

13 12 2013
Anonymous

This article has some really deep truths in it if you are open. Thank you to the author for taking the time to write it and for wanting to help others not make the mistakes he made. Sometimes we can’t fix things here on earth! but thank God we have a forgiving, merciful Father that restores us so we can more forward. Maybe the author’s wife has remarried and so he can’t reconcile with her in remarriage, he can, however, seek her forgiveness and given the spirit of the article (humility), I’m sure he has.

13 12 2013
lizzy

Wow …. I have been married to the my husband for 31yrs. And. All know is that experience is the greatest teacher and without faith and prayers you are nothing enjoy what you have you never no what you going to get

13 12 2013
Lewis

To live by…

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Just know that divorcing your first and covenant spouse is not of God. God hates divorce. God allows separation for reconciliation in due time. However if you are already divorced, you are to remain unmarried or reconcile with your spouse.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

well let the truth be told we all fall short of love grace an support of one other can we see the pain before its hurt.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

I’m a woman and totally agree, but as I read the article I looked at everything as a two way street it takes two to be in a marriage he’s just telling it from the mans’ perspective and what they can do, but I’m sure the woman reading this know there’re things that we need to work on and do as well.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Yes the article is true ,but when things go sour in relationship or marriage both person have to put aside their anger and pride and talk things over before their make any decision .note LOVE IS CARING,SHARING,SERVING,GIVING AND FORGIVING.LOVE IS ALSO TRUE AND PURE.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

This is a excellent read, I am a husband to be, this will be my first relationship that I have actually given my all.
After one failed marriage, and a unhappy life, I have found a woman who dare I say is my world.
I feel this article is very relevant to both sexes, but I do feel men in general, if you read this and practice it, your woman will more than likely respond and you will get what you are looking for.
a true relationship is work, I find myself falling in love with her over again all the time, yes she has quirks, but in the end this woman is the the love of MY life
DM

13 12 2013
alienredqueen

This is beautiful! I don’t wholeheartedly agree with 6/7, just because it seems like so many people use the “own you emotions” idea as a way to foist off personal responsibility for bad behavior on their partner (ie: He didn’t hurt your feelings, you LET him hurt you.) I think words and actions CAN have an impact and hurt, and both partners need to be aware of how their words and actions can affect their partner… But I DO believe a person can mediate their RESPONSE/reaction to something they feel is angering or hurtful!

13 12 2013
Mary Williams

A man lesson learned,true,unconditional love of a man,unselfish,understanding as time spent between two people in love.right, taking vows comes with the willingness to spend time just between each other learning each other goods and bad,learning and loving together to work on improving and understanding of helping each other better each self on faults.vows are all that,loving,learning,the joy of working it out together improving each other together lovingly together committed in love.amen

13 12 2013
Anonymous

It is he said for married couples, he is a man so he is telling the man side any mature person in a relationship reading this can apply this to themselves man or woman. Why is it that we always have to be negative there doesn’t have to be any artierive motive the man could just be speaking from his heart

15 12 2013
Anonymous

Because the ones with an artierive motive are the ones that think someone is always up to something because they are.

21 12 2013
mamajosh

The word is ulterior– to have an ULTERIOR motive, or a deeper, hidden agenda.

13 12 2013
Aloma Ingram

This is lovely! but both parties must be willing to make it work. Here in Africa most married couples have their own home. When missing in action they are happy to meet whenever the other visit. Not a nice thing for my American head, I would want my honey wherever I am. The writer is so right, but both parties must be willing to know when to stop and give just a bit of love. I actually love the writer! I felt every word, and wow he touched me. This should be shown to the wife before the judge rules, maybe she would change he mind.

13 12 2013
sage

This is Wonderful Knowledge Shared..
Giving Thanx for hindsite is 20/20 vision
Hold no regrets my brother ;-)

13 12 2013
Pamela

This is an excellent article and it will definitely lead to a better marriage experience. However, I think it is safe to say that this gentleman realized he didn’t love the woman he was married to. He has a plethora of knowledge that many who have gone to counseling, were without and later with this aquired knowledge felt it was worth trying again fully prepared. You don’t gain all his knowledge and not find it worthy of implementing in the very marriage that you so hate to be losing. If he felt she was worth it, he would have been present, embraced his wife and won her over with his masculine energy. So many times once we learn better, we realize that we enter relationships for the wrong reasons. Once the blinders are removed, we wonder why we were there in the first place. If he was in love….really in love, he would have returned equipped with his knowledge pursuing his wife so hard that no other man could or would compare. BTW…nothing is wrong with falling out of love and nothing is wrong with admitting it.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

The article goes for both men and women at some point in our marriage we know to ourselves we can do sometime else improve our marriage. But the men might be more selfish and unwilling to compromise because of their ego.

13 12 2013
George Neal

I think you still have a chance for your family you once had. Be there for your kids. Happy Holidays & Happy New Year’s! Think about it
George Neal

13 12 2013
Dave Randolph

Gerald,

With knowledge comes sorrow and w/Wisdom comes regrets! Hindsight is always 20/20, please don’t misinterpret my intent. That was a very power and informative message only Man that has come into the proper of self and the true values of Life, will embrace !!!! “Humility”

13 12 2013
Anonymous

There is no way I could be fully transparent. I want to watch her with other men. When I brought the subject up once, she made it clear that if I ever mentioned it again, she will leave. How can you you be transparent with someone who will judge ?

13 12 2013
Anonymous

Very deep article… As I read it, I couldn’t help but run down a personal check list! A marriage is a 2-way endeavor. Each person has a specific role as defined by life. What do you do when one half chooses not to accept their role or position in life? I, as a husband, cannot force my wife to do anything ( and vice versa), but should we not expect certain things based upon the fact that there is a marriage? I agree with most of what Mr. Rogers writes, but from my specific experience, there’s too much emphasis put on what a husband should or should not be doing. Marriage is supposed to be 50/50. I’ve had the phrase,”You’re the man!” thrown in my face too many times. My response has been,”Yes, I am. And since you’re stating it as such, can I rely on you to do certain things because you’re the woman?” I get blank stares as a response.

13 12 2013
Anonymous

He can only speak from a mans point of view. If he spoke as a women he’d be lying.

13 12 2013
anynomus

after reading this and so many responses it brings tears to my eyes , because I my wife loved me and I still feel she does , I know that I still love her and at times I find it so odd to not be around her and my girls as a family .I also feel that we all fall short but we should never give uup on what god put together . when we said our vows it was a life long commitment for better for worse through sickness and health, and these very same vows we promised god that we would never allow anything or anyone to separate what god puts together. It is the devils desire to seek divide and destroy and that’s what he did to our marriage with some assistance from us. and when I look back over my marriage it was some very good times that’s why when I reflect and see where we were and where we are today , I don’t feel neither one of us is happy. I also feel the people who were hurt and still are hurting the most is our two beautiful daughters, and I know that I still hurt and would do a lot of things differently but I would never leave my wife for anyone or anything. marriage to me is sacred and what god put together no man or woman should take a part. I was and still is about family and this is what I seen throughout my parents my mother took a lot of stuff from my dad , however she alwaysstayed the course and prayed for him and took care of him until his last day he died in her arms. No matter what happens down the line I still believe that my wife cares and to some degree loves me and I feel the same way. there is not a day that I don’t think about her and I pray for her day and night, because she is a decent person just made some selfish choices and so did I . but at the end of the day I never left her she left us , but I forgive her because god forgave me and I am trying to cope with it everyday and if its Gods will who knows what he has in store for us.When I married my wife I told her I would never leave her for anyone or any woman and I did not. and I told her if I ever get married again I feel it would be her. our marriage broke up basically for selfish reasons money stuff and promises that were made to her by someone who had no intentions on his promises to her he just wanted to use her and take advantage of her emotions and vounerability . however God knows all and sees all and he will have the final say so. I can go on and on but I will stop here and just say I never stop loving my wife and I never will if she needs me I will always be there for her, please pray for her and my family sometimes we have to go through things only to realize that the grass isn’t as green on the other side as it appears. may God continue to bless all marriges and if we just remember one thing our vows were not only to ourselves it was to GOD!! peace and love to the one above also to the one I still LOVE bless you HONEY in JESUS NAME AMEN!!!!!

13 12 2013
Carolyn Moon

It’s enlightening that there is an article by a former spouse who doesn’t place the onus of keeping a marriage vital solely on the woman. Women are always warned and advised on how to “keep their men” and it takes two to nourish the relationship and keep it healthy. I’d like to read more articles on this issue advising that they are partners. One should not be leading or trailing behind their loved one but beside them. If there is a subordinate in the relationship; this usually lends to power struggles and strife. Fully developed individuals who are joined together as love partners can utilize their shared strengths as well as weaknesses to solidify the union.

13 12 2013
edna

Thankz

13 12 2013
ReverendRoxie22

You rule…in my line of work I hear it a lot…how it was the other person’s fault. It is the fault of one person and one person’s kuleana, or ‘responsibility,’ to mind one’s own feelings. Your spouses feelings are not there because of you, and never is it his or her kuleana to carry the burden for us.

VERY NICE WRITING

13 12 2013
anonymous

I think that no matter what you do if your wife does what she wants the way she wants to do it, you can have 50 rules and still break up. If you change the picture above with one of a woman and she also kept the 20 rules stated, then the marriage would be successful. It totally takes two people with the same Ideals, same goals, same love. Both need to practice what one man
preaches above.

14 12 2013
Oscar

Amen !!!

14 12 2013
Monica Carter

Awesome read

14 12 2013
Anonymous

I pray that you and your wife get back together because she is the one that deserves to benefit from your wisdom, especially since she is the one who walked through the difficulties in the relationship. God bless.

14 12 2013
James Portee

Every man should take this at heart

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Your likes and dislikes, we can assume prove your point

14 12 2013
Ryan

Thought this was interesting… Read it when you have some time.
Love,
Miranda

14 12 2013
EDWARD WHITE

IT WORKS BOTH WAYS ,MAN AND WOMAN ARE HUMAN IN ”GODS IMAGE WHEN LOVE IS ACHEIVED IN ITS TRUE ESSANCE,NOT BASED ON SELF FULLFILLED DESIRES

14 12 2013
Tameka

Dedicated tto the man I chose!!!

14 12 2013
Charles Minor

that was great phenomenal.

14 12 2013
Anonymous 2013

I am sending this to my boyfriend ;)

14 12 2013
mismis

My divorce was final on 12/6 so this hit me hard.

14 12 2013
Dee

He has explained loving your marriage so well, I hope when I get a husband he can fulfill some of the things he wrote.

14 12 2013
Kim

Good one

14 12 2013
Christine A Hall

No, definitely a man. I have one just like he wrote about, but it took three times trying. All the others weren’t this. But then, in the first one, neither was I – *I* broke us up. The next one he nearly killed me, mentally and emotionally. God only knows what made me risk a third time but it’s truly the charm they say it is! A man wrote that, definitely. And I know JUUUST who could heal a lot by reading it too. Merry Christmas!

14 12 2013
Desiree

Wow. Married with blended children for 7 years to a husband with no family or friends to share great stuff like this to him. I’ m sitting him down to study this. I hope even a small portion but praying for most portions of this article will land a home forever in his brain. Great Reflection and Awesome Read.

14 12 2013
Sharon Mc Ewen.

I feel for you my brother. A divorce can also be a second marriage if you truly love and wants to have and hold her again. Your work is to gain that trust and confidence again now that you are more equipped with these acknowledgement. You have grown. If not, you are a better man to make it work second time around. All the best, chin up for you can do it whatever your choice and decision. Keep hope alive. All the best to both of you. Always wish the best for her. Do not be bitter for it will just be a set back my dear, no matter the unpleasant that got you to this point. Live, laugh. Love again. Much respect.

15 12 2013
Gina H.

Fix the marriage you have – divorce does not mean and ends to the marriage. Like Sharon said, remarry your wife. Fix that now. You can. Let her know, work it through. Pray for her if she is with someone new that she will also understand that moving onto someone new is not making it right. There is always time up until another marries someone else or passes in death to make the relationship right. If Jesus said we are not to remarry our spouse again if they married someone else, why would He make it right with someone totally new? Pray and seek Him. And let her know what you are feeling. Be blessed in His ways.

14 12 2013
Bill Wilcox

Hmmmmm sounds just like an Andy Stanley sermon series on staying in love that I listened to a few years back with reference to the bible taken out. But hey……. it made him feel good to submit what is mostly someone else’s work and have it published. Besides…….. still a decent message.

14 12 2013
Anonymous

WOW – Amen!

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Read this clearly please

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Awesome, let everyone read this, is so true!!!

14 12 2013
Lucia

If people who really love each other would read this b4 that awful word DIVORCE, maybe there would be less divorces.

14 12 2013
Ricky Robertson

Share this, Plz

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Good read. Must read this!

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Relationship lessons for everyone

14 12 2013
Bryann

Some of it is good advice , but the only problem that I see here is he never one time mentions Jesus Christ . The Lord instituted marriage and is the glue that holds it together , when we truly submit to Him .

14 12 2013
Jo

Not everyone believes in Christ, and never once did the Bible state Jesus was our option for any happiness or love. If he believes great for him but if he doesn’t believe in Christ he’s been blessed anyway because he’s known love. “Christians” take themselves way to seriously, and yes I do believe in Jesus Christ

14 12 2013
jesse

Jo, you don’t know the Bible,obviously. it states clearly Jesus is the source for happiness Read Mt. 6:33; Jn. 14:6; Pr. 3:5-6.

15 12 2013
Jo

I know the bible and God gave us the OPTION to follow Him, not a command. There is still happiness away from Christ, ya think?

14 12 2013
Norissa

This was just amazing. Thank you

14 12 2013
maame

I’m bout to take my relationship with a man 19 years my senior to another stage. I’m really very confused. He’s not met any of my family members yet. But he’s got his own kids. 3 of them. Is it advisable to get married to him?

15 12 2013
Anonymous

The fact that you are on here seeking advice from total strangers should be a flag to you. We all doubt our decisions from time to time which is natural but I sense that this is more than doubt. How have you dated seriously someone who hasn’t met your family? What are you trying to hide and what are you truly afraid of?

15 12 2013
InnerSpirit

Pray first. And you need to think about why you are marrying him. Does he treat you like the royal person that you are? Is he controlling but masquerading it as love? Is he isolating you from your family? Are you in love with him or are you looking for a substitute for a father figure? Does he take care of your needs. After Christ, will he put you first even before his kids. Many will not agree with me but you need to come first because otherwise you will find your relationship being manipulated by his children and baby mama(s). I pray for your guidance and happiness. Seek the Lord for guidance.

15 12 2013
Stephanie Mackey

Not if you’re asking people on a message board about it, no.

15 12 2013
M C Druce

NO!!!!

15 12 2013
M C Druce

NO, DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!!

14 12 2013
Anonymous

one word, ” AWESOME”!

14 12 2013
Sherri McLean

Great advice!

14 12 2013
mowil

With all due respect, nice article at completely absolving the wife of the same commitment you outline is required of the husband. While I wholeheartedly agree these are great principles a man should livev by, your lack of holding the other partner accountable is disappointing. Perhaps your marriage didn’t last because of your lack of commitment to these principles, but to insinuate that the other partner is only there to benefit from the husband’s growth and improvements is absurd. She doesn’t choose the man;:THEY CHOOSE EACH OTHER. Until you realize that most marriages success or failure is determined by BOTH partners, your writing will only be 50% valid (at best).

14 12 2013
Jo

He was only responding to the divorce from HIS perspective of what HE didn’t do right.

14 12 2013
Anonymous

But the title i read said advice to married COUPLES.. kinda misleading and one sided. shouldve been advice to single men thinking about getting married.

15 12 2013
Anonymous

He is doing what wise people do – taking full responsibility for his experience of life. Until you realize you only have a right to expect things of yourself, you will always be disappointed by others.

15 12 2013
HeRO5

I think women who read this can apply every single lesson to their side of marriage as well. He can only speak in his voice about lessons he’s learned. It would be rather presumptuous for a man recently divorced to tell wives what they need to do better and vice versa. He stated what he felt He could do better next time and, after all, the only person you can ever change, if you want a better outcome, is you.

15 12 2013
monica legwale

U are failing to admit denote that he said what he has learnt.he is talking about himself and what he failed to do..if you are to make it work,it is you that should reflect on the mirror and not your patner.she wil also see herself..we fail because we want to say,you do this,I do that’ do what you have to do and so will your patner.hopefully,that woman also saw her weaknesess and wil help others from her own experiences as well.just because she didn’t write here does not mean she doesn’t have a story to tell and wisdom to share..a big up to this man.most always fail to acknowledge their mistakes but wil kip discouraging others to marry.

15 12 2013
monica legwale

U are failing to denote that he said what he has learnt.he is talking about himself and what he failed to do..if you are to make it work,it is you that should reflect in the mirror and not your patner.she wil also see herself..we fail because we want to say,you do this,I do that’ do what you have to do and so will your patner.hopefully,that woman also saw her weaknesess and wil help others from her own experiences as well.just because she didn’t write here does not mean she doesn’t have a story to tell and wisdom to share..a big up to this man.most always fail to acknowledge their mistakes but wil kip discouraging others to marry.

15 12 2013
Anonymous

Exactly. This gentleman is preaching from the pain of a failed relationship. I’ve been there. But it takes two, to make a relationship successful or cause it to fail. You could have been the most perfect husband, but if your wife was not as committed, nothing you do can save the union.

14 12 2013
Vanderlyn Hamilton Davis

It is the hard lessons in life that teaches us wisdom. Hindsight is 20/20 when we can look back at our mistakes and see clearly what we coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently. If we are open to these reflective thoughts, we can apply this newfound knowledge to see what it is we want for our future because change starts within and change is easy when you put your mind to it. I found it to be a good read, especially for a brother to share some of the same heartfelt thoughts about marriage I’ve had when mine went south after about the same amount of time his did. There are lessons to be learned here.

14 12 2013
angelique755

Reblogged this on angelique755's Blog and commented:
Love what he has to say

14 12 2013
divorcetohealing

Very good wisdom. As a Christian, my strength and foundation in my marriage is rooted & grounded in the love God gave to me through Jesus. With those, I can then love with a pure heart and be able to love my wife as God loves the church, laying myself down for her. Thanks for the inspiration and advise, especially for those who have never realized that marriage is a daily work of love. Be blessed!!

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Great! But if I may…i would live to ad one more ghingheri…Don’t cheat on her!!!!

14 12 2013
Ajaba sue

Nice . I can not say anything more.

14 12 2013
Anonymous

Who cheated

14 12 2013
Richardson Hunter

I enjoy reading this article, it took a man who lost his soulmate to realised his short commings. very well wiitten. You will find someone and apply this formular in your everyday live and be happy.you have made a great contribution toward the engaged young men out there, if they take your advice. Again I say well done. wish you best of luck next time.

14 12 2013
Florence Onwumere

I wish all men cam read and understand the wisdom in this article, its highly inspirational

14 12 2013
PUNIYA RAGHUNANAN

i LIKE YOUR HONESTY,I WISH I KNEW HALF OF WHAT I KNEW NOW ,I WOULD HAVE FOUGHT HARDER TO KEEP MY MARRIAGE INTACT. FOR THE MOST PART I JUST WANTED TO DIE AND ALMOST DID. KEEP GOD IN THE CENTER OF THINGS,WHEN YOU MAKE A VOW YOU MAKE IT NOT TO EACH OTHER BUT TO GOD THEREFORE THERE IS A PENALTY WHEN YOU BREAK THAT VOW. YOU DO DIE SOMETIMES IT IS A SLOW DEATH ,BUT FOR SURE IT IS DEATH.

14 12 2013
Elder Ernest Richard

Powerful Truth…
An absolute must read…been there done that in the area of divorce..For someone who claims he’s not an expert ……..you should at least consider being a teacher

14 12 2013
Anonymous

good read but don’t agree with everything

15 12 2013
mcr

best article ever on what it really takes to sustain a marriage. but he leaves out what should be the first lesson being anchored in Christ

15 12 2013
Anonymous

I would really like to hear a woman’s perspective on every point this man brought up.

15 12 2013
Anonymous

Having been married and divorced myself, this has a solid message, but I can’t help but feel society (as well as this article) place sole responsibility and duty with the man…that’s just BS on an epic scale…it goes both ways and it definitely seems like the author is just feeling sorry for himself or regret the same way many do right after such losses. The fact is that the morals and values of society have drifted to a point where it’s easier to get a new one than fix what you got. Nobody can be perfect all the time, that’s why the effort has to be mutual…

15 12 2013
Tweetie M

I do agree with a lot said, however praying together will defeat any spiritual, and physical intruder(s). DECLARATION/DECREE today… It’s time for the healing process to began in my marriage.

15 12 2013
Tracy Smith

Thank you for opening up your heart and shariing your pain. Your testimony will touch lives globally. I am a woman who still waits patiently for my soulmate and while I wait, I am actively studying the precepts of being a great wife, lover, partner and friend. Your story is being added to my collection for frequent reference, and when “he” arrives, I will share your advice. Thank you for being vulnerable in your openess. May you heal from your divorce and receive all the desires of your heart.

15 12 2013
Anonymous

that real talk

15 12 2013
Lillian

I am also divoiced after 39 years and I hear what you are saying but as far as I am concerned in my marriage I feel I did everything right however I had to come to realization that I did everything for my ex but he never loved me at all only what I did for him and finally coming to the realization that I was used it really hurts. Now that I am older I am still lonely and scared to take a chance and even feeling I am no longer attractive to the opposite sex but I am still full of love to give to the right person, but how will I know who would be the right person?? Would he love God, Jessus Christ, his mother and all female of his family and trest them with respect?? I guess only God knowes, it is do sad losing someone you truely love and going through the rest of your life a lone by your self because men are such jerks. I loved my ex but I do not regret letting him go because after living with someone for 39 years and the mental and physical abuse I endured I fell out of love with them and recollecting what I went through I would not wish that on no women and I have to truely say Yes I was a good women the type of women, wife and mother that my father in heaven would be proud of. Maybe one day I might find the right man that my father intends for me but until that time I will be a lone.

15 12 2013
One strong woman

Lillian,
I know how you feel. After 18 years and 2 children, my ex and I separated. He found out is wasn’t greener on the other side, so I thought, and I took him back. We even went through counceling and things were going great. It lasted a year and a half and then he felt tied down. So he left and we divorced. Now its been 10 years since we separated the final time and I still can’t let myself date.

15 12 2013
nichole

anytime someone else’s hurt can help someone it’s a blessing but knowing most men who don’t really like reading I think a good part of this love is going to be wasted but who knows depends on where somebody is maybe God can speak to them I hope you this speaks to my husband

15 12 2013
Xolodnyj

I think both people in the relationship needs to stop trying to “fix” the other one. This article tells you everything that the man should do. He should have included the things he wanted as well. He is taking a lot of blame, which I commend him on, but he isn’t being fully open and honest because clearly he had some dislikes. It is a TWO way street as others indicated..

15 12 2013
Ezinne

This is very heart touching and should be read by every man that is a “king”and not a “cowboy”. Should be read and treasure by any man that wants to keep his home not matter what!!!!!.I feel you brother. A perfect lesson for all also

15 12 2013
Lovelyne

Interesting .. A must read,,
Great for discussion

15 12 2013
Anonymous

god? lol

15 12 2013
Kenneth Shearman

Seriously bro, I can understand where you’re coming from.
But I don’t agree on some points, you seem to be forgetting yourself, first love as much as you say you should’ve loved her.
And don’t think of all the things you did wrong cause marriage is a two way street. You give and you recieve.

If you made mistakes learn but don’t feel bad.

15 12 2013
Donna

Such excellent advice- pure – choose love

15 12 2013
Anonymous

We both can learn from this

15 12 2013
Amy

WOW! This saddened me because i think even if my husband read this, history has shown, he just doesnt seem to love himself so he just doesnt care much :(

Married nearly 15 years and have 5 kids together :(

We divorced march 2011 but never truly separated for long.

15 12 2013
Anonymous

I too will follow

15 12 2013
Anonymous

Great Advice! However this only applies to the “Right” person. Ask your self did you marry this person for all the right reasons or out of physical attraction, financial gains, pressures situations, feared of someone else winning them over or the fear of being alone. Truth, he nor she “has” to stay, however if what you claimed has be given away, let it go. Tricking your self to love someone wil only hurt you in the long run. Stay positive and love yourself above anyone else because you started alone and will be familiar with being that way in the end. Love with your mind, not your heart. Moral of the story “Think First”

15 12 2013
Vallerie Campbell

This really touched my heart and if every couple could read and adhere to this advice maybe there would be less divorces. This is my prayer….

15 12 2013
Toni

Beautifully written, and great advice for both women and men. This should be read even before two people get engaged so that they are fully aware of the give and take of marriage. Thank you for sharing your story!

15 12 2013
Mike

It is nice and informative but they should have something for females as well…

15 12 2013
JAMES H MERRILL

I lost my beautiful bride after sixty eight years. We didn’t need advice!!

15 12 2013
Audrea

Very interesting

15 12 2013
Anonymous

Replace “man” with “woman” and “husband” with “wife” and you have advice for couples. Until then, all you have is a list of things that absolve the woman from all responsibility unless you fulfill this list as a checklist. It’s 50/50. Some women aren’t worthy of your list and you should understand that it’s not all your fault/responsibility as a man if she isn’t doing her part also.

15 12 2013
lantanagurl

Reblogged this on Lantanagurl's Rambling Mind and commented:
The same can be said for any romantic relationship. It doesn’t have to be marriage. In addition, I think women should follow this advice, too.

16 12 2013
Martha

It’s great to try to be a better husband/partner my thing is what about the women/wives role they also need to value and respect their husbands.

Men also need to be understood. II think it’s a two way street so many men are trying to please women I think it goes both ways!!

16 12 2013
Scott Stitch

Please read this. Insert boyfriend instead of husband. You already do so many if these things. I just have never heard them from a mans perception right after a divorce. So many things I needed in 19 years…I’m a little broken

16 12 2013
Anonymous

I wish my husband could understand

16 12 2013
Yvonne Elliott

I wish this could be posted on all my friends walls . One young couple is looking about divorce now . Its so sad

21 12 2013
mamajosh

Are you the Yvonne Elliott who sang in JCS?

21 12 2013
mamajosh

Oops… never mind; that was Yvonne Elliman. :)

16 12 2013
faye Edwards

While I never marry before, here one big questions mark. First everything bis correct what he mentioned but also it happen from people getting into your business or cause the problem to let it happen. All in all don’t let let anyone come between you as a married couple

16 12 2013
cynthiamc1

We celebrated our 35th anniversary last summer. Good advice. To that I would add if there’s something your husband/wife has mentioned you do or don’t do that drives them crazy, fix it. The thing I did that made my hubby crazy was leaving the cap off the toothpaste. To which my initial response was “So?” Then I thought it was up to him to get over that. He should just accept me as I was. Only later did it occur to me that if I truly loved him the way I said I did, enough to move heaven and earth for him, then surely I could put the top back on the toothpaste. So I did until they made flip cap toothpaste covers, and then we both rejoiced. If you are the one whose spouse is doing something that makes you crazy, mention it gently and with love “Hey, sweetie, would you please ___” Fill in the blank, gently and with love. It may be that they just didn’t know it bothered you and it’s an easy fix for them. When they do, let them know you appreciate that and it makes you love them even more that they were willing to do that for you. It may not be an easy fix for them. They may try and forget. If it still bothers you and it’s something you can do more easily than stewing about it, then do it with love as your gift to them (no more nagging) and to you (no ulcers). Bitterness causes wrinkles. Who needs it? You’re not perfect either. (I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but it’s true). You may decide to love them anyway. Be conscious of the times your spouse does something for you that you just may not be up to doing that day and let them know you love them for it. See them through the eyes of love and chances are much increased they will see you the same way.

16 12 2013
cynthiamc1

:)

16 12 2013
cynthiamc1

It pays off. I promise you. And what you have left is pure gold.

16 12 2013
Anonymous

Marriage can be nasty or absolutely beautiful , trust , no lieing , sincere honesty and communication , respect and responsibility to each other’s want’s And need’s , Teamwork makes the dreamwork . Most of all luv each other and show it and express it daily if you know what I mean , luv ya

16 12 2013
Anonymous

Everything you say here is good, but don’t give your wife a pass. If she had the same attitude you would still be married. My story was similar, there were many things I could have done differently, but the bottom line if your partner doesn’t have the same committment it will never work no matter what you do. You sound like a really good guy, now go find someone who deserves you.

16 12 2013
Logan

Powerful stuff. Sorry to hear about your divorce but here’s to a brighter day ahead. Thanks for sharing. As a pseudo-newlywed, I appreciate advice like this from men who are humble enough to share.

17 12 2013
Diana

To those leaving negative posts, take it from me. Marriage IS a two way street. The author may have done some things wrong, may even have violated the sanctity of the marriage, but if the wife had been perfect, he wouldn’t have felt the pull to do such. I am two years in toward putting my almost 14 year marriage back together after my husband strayed. He did a really bad thing that’s still hard to live with sometimes, but I was far from a perfect wife. It’s obvious the author of the post has read “The Five Love Languages.” It is a wonderful book that I credit with saving my marriage, along with my attitude that I had to forgive him one way or the other for the sake of our children. Love is a choice. It is a verb. It isn’t a sweet feeling we have toward another person, it is how we treat that person. Love thy neighbor as thyself doesn’t mean you have to like your neighbor or be affectionate toward them. It means be kind as you would be kind to yourself. Have a care for your fellow man. And of all your neighbors, your spouse and children are the ones who may even deserve some selfless love. When you love someone else, it’s not about what you get in return but what you give. When you give a gift expecting one in return, it’s mere manipulation. When you give freely of yourself without expecting reciprocation, you will be pleasantly surprised.

17 12 2013
doingme76

Very well written, and nice to hear from a man

17 12 2013
doingme76

Loved reading this. It was written very well, and nice to hear from a man.

17 12 2013
Eva

Reblogged this on Evablazing and commented:
I love this write up here.

17 12 2013
createdtoconquer

Reblogged this on Conquer Your Day and commented:
Awesome Article for Married Couples and those thinking about marriage.

17 12 2013
JaeHi

After reading the article above, I felt that the author and his ex-wife re-establish the awesome relationship that could have been. The article brought tears to my eyes! My husband and I had to work on falling in love again and again and work at building up our marriage! We are 34 years strong and hope to be hopelessly in love at our 70th wedding anniversary!

17 12 2013
Anonymous

Read all of this

Bibi

17 12 2013
Kiki

I have been with my fiance for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter together and I have 2 children from a previous marriage (that ended due to his sexuality having been gay before we married he wanted to save face with his family) that he loves just as much as the Child we have together. We have had rough patches but we have gotten past them. He has been striving to be the man you depicted in this article. Thank you for your words of wisdom I am going to have him read this. I think you just might be our saving grace. Thank you!

18 12 2013
Peter

The complicating factor is that there are a lot of women that take this for granted. This is not good advice for men. It is good advice for lovers. This stuff has men doing backflips for lazy lovers who believe bestowing their affection towards them is work enough. This only works well 2 ways.

18 12 2013
Stan Wenninger

The wife and I have a highlight board. We spend 5 minutes TOGETHER with God Monday through Friday and 1/2 hr on weekends. It is the glue to our marriage. We might skip a day here and there but we have color coding for filling in past days. We also watch Christian shows together. Any marriage can work if they realize what God put together cannot be separated. Divorce is never an option. It takes work and a commitment not to ever begin to flirt with leaving. Be so in love with God that the marriage cannot fail. Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church.

18 12 2013
Anonymous

Love it

18 12 2013
Stan Wenninger

If the writer put the effort in to his marriage as much as he did into writing this article, then he would have saved the marriage. He should take his own advice and go save the marriage. Instead of writing great articles he should go write the great remaining chapters of a marriage that still can be if he wants it as much as he wanted this nicely crafted article.

18 12 2013
Anonymous

never read a truer article in my life! thank you for sharing with all of us

19 12 2013
David

I read a little of your story ,but if a man would do all u said, what role then would the woman play? Divorce affects but parties equally on the long run. Let me add that until man come to terms with the fact that after marriage , divorce is excluded , they will never b discrete about choosing a partner. People must realize that it take 2 to make it work.Its should not b a function how u make me feel. It is bigger than me or u. Until that alternatives in our mind is excluded , man will continue to consider the option of divorce. This wisdom is earthly , and devilish . In the beginning , it was not so. Its a product of not having God in their minds therefore creating their own rules, when they can not create themselves.

19 12 2013
Phil

Awesome advice, I agree wholeheartedly. That said, it amazes me that so much pressure is placed on one party in a relationship. There is no 50%/50% relationship or 60% 40%, etc., its 100%/100%. I dare you to change the “he” to “she,” the “him” to “her,” the “wife” to “husband” and the “husband” to “wife.” All parties in a relationship are equally responsible for the relationship.

20 12 2013
pe

Great Advice!

20 12 2013
steve b.

After reading all the man had to say, i am in full agreement. And after reading all the comments, there is alot of good advice to. I am in very deep love and hopefully going to be married for the first time myself, and all these things are common sense to me otherwise why get married? I wish nothing but happiness for the writer and all married couples, for being in love is the most beautiful thing imaginable….

20 12 2013
Rosa

Lovd this

20 12 2013
MissV

You can always go back and ask her to marry you again. You did say that you still love her.

20 12 2013
Olawande Salam

Reblogged this on Olawande Salam.

21 12 2013
Abthiny me

This guy says it perfectly.

21 12 2013
Donald

Please read it applies to me as well. This is some very good wisdom. If you don’t want to read I will read it to you. I love u!

21 12 2013
Memyself

I actually agree Gerald tells us. But I think it has to come from both sides. If you are not happy in your marriage or relationship it means there is a gap between your desires, whishes and that what you get. Sometimes people don’t see what your lover really needs or want. So both wife and husband have to do something. And how to act when you already have tried everything but you don’t get what you want? It is too easy to tell a story like Gerald does. I can imagine that he regrets how his share was in his marriage. And he regrets that he didn’t do everything to save his marriage. But I think that this is his own story and I agree it could help some couples, but most couples have to find theri own way: divorce in a good way or stay together in a way you’re not satisfied in.

21 12 2013
Shon

Good stuff

22 12 2013
Jay

Good advice but one sided as it takes two to make a marraige a success or a failure

22 12 2013
La'Donna Davis

Where is the man who PENNED THESE WORDS…
I THINK I WANT MARRY YOU!!!
26 YEARS OF MARRIAGE…. OMG, AND YOU STOLE THESE WORDS RIGHT FROM MY ❤!!!!

22 12 2013
La'Donna Davis

Reblogged this on Through Pieces of ME and commented:
As I read this it felt like I had Temporarily allowed someone inside my soul for a brief moment to see what was hiding in there and this is what they saw and just WROTE IT FOR ME!!!

THANK YOU GERALD ROGERS FOR MY ❤ON PAPER
La’Donna Davis

23 12 2013
Anonymous

Gloria, thanks for not been biased despite you’re a lady.
This article is one sided and marriage requires that both parties are commited to make it work. We are human & no matter hw much love u show to your spouse when either party fails in his/her responsibility it will not work.
You’ll end up staying in d marriage to avoid divorce but unhappy.

23 12 2013
gregory

The right knowledge and its’ proper application is called wisdom. Godly wisdom, lived out in our marriages, helps us to establish, and to build, and to structure our families on a spiritually solid foundation; giving us an emotional tranquility while strengthening our moral fiber. This wisdom begins with a sincere reverence for God and His Word; this is the spiritual mortar that will fortify the bond, first between you and God, and then between you and your mate. Generally, your true relationship with God is reflected in the relationship you have with your mate, the one who is the closes to you. We, as husbands and wives, must learn the knowledge and the wisdom of God so that we might apply His wisdom to our marriages in order to build it on that firm foundation that will keep our marriages stabilized. Now tell me, who wouldn’t love to have a marriage that does not at times seem to be on shaky ground? I raise my hand, count me in. I don’t know about you, but I do not want my marriage to be… on the rocks… I want my marriage to be… BUILT on THE ROCK

23 12 2013
DChristi

This was beautifully written. Thank you for opening yourself up like this. My husband and I are coming up on our 16 year anniversary in a few months so your title really caught my eye. As I went through this list I saw quite few things that I feel like my husband already does, a couple of things that were missing but mostly right on target.

Now being that I’m the wife I’d like to know if there are any articles/blogs that cover this from the woman’s perspective. Everyone can find room for improvement. Just because it’s working now doesn’t mean it can’t get better. Doing a search on this subject brings up a whole lot of nothing, and by nothing I mean junk! “How to please your man in bed!” “Bedroom tricks you don’t know!” “How to cook your man to happiness!” Bible verses telling you how to be a wife. I want this article from a woman’s perspective. I want to know I’m doing the right thing and if there is more I can do to keep things on the right track. *fingers crossed*

23 12 2013
Running out of tears

I wish I could get my husband to see things thur your eyes without the divorce. Once trust is broken with words actions is all you have left. The views and opinions of others shouldn’t always carry more weigh than mine. I just want to be a priority before I completely give up.

24 12 2013
Ashley and donald

Never give up keep fighting it’s a spiritual battle and God made up for one another to help grow in all kinds of beautiful ways so brothers and sisters it only gets better in time were not God so we need to learn how to truly love one another and then we will find that spiritual high we are looking for I pray and send the blood of Christ over all trying to never give up in Jesus name I love all of this and yall : )

25 12 2013
Anonymous

You say – “you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART”…hmmm, maybe that’s why you got divorced. Nobody OWNS another person. Only God owns each of our hearts. Men, your wife’s heart is not something you own. Women, don’t marry someone who expects to OWN your heart.

26 12 2013
Healthy love, is the best love..starting with self love

It seems that a lot of the responses are from people that are believers and also people that have hurt someone (a spouse) and now trying to find your way back. I even saw where a man stated that he is trying to find his way back to his wife after crushing her hurt and trying to restore what the locust destroyed? Sounds like you destroyed something with your wife, not the locusts.

People need to understand that we all have a free will, God doesn’t force heaven on us so He’s not going to “make” someone change their mind about staying with you. It’s unfortunate that people don’t do what they should be doing in a marriage until the other person has decided to move on. Most times it can be too late.
Someone offered the advice to someone on this site to let his wife know that he will wait as long as it takes for her to come back?

I believe that is self torture and not healthy for the person waiting. It SUCKS to be told, I don’t want this anymore, I want a divorce.
But the healthiest option for the person that doesn’t want out is to move forward and take care of you. It may feel like life is over without that person, but it isn’t…It just hurts like hell.

But again, the best thing you can do for you and the other person is to move on. It will only delay the process of healing to linger around and wait to see if the person will change their mind. You are more valuable than that.

28 12 2013
Anonymous

hi

28 12 2013
Tiffani

I thoroughly enjoyed this publication. I am a single women praying to find a husband. These opinions have showed me a new way of writing “the list” of wants & needs in a mate. I am a product of divorce. My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage. I could only wonder if they had read this sooner, could their marriage have been saved. I think the article was written to help our men but this definitely will help our single moms choose better mates in the process. Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry to hear of your divorce but God will restore you!

Be encouraged!

Tiffani

28 12 2013
Cleve Wiltz

Great article…definitely worth the read

28 12 2013
Charles Igwe

Love her even when she’ve changed? What if she changed negatively? I’m just curious, I want to learn so we don’t make mistakes. God bless you!

31 12 2013
Andre Gaskins

So…does the woman get to contribute to the success of the marriage, too, or is all up to the man? :-)

1 01 2014
marvin purser

I wonder what the wife’s advice to married couples after divorcing her husband of 16 years. She also must have felt a perspective of things she wish she had done differently after losing the man she loved and cherished till death doth they part.

1 01 2014
sandra madu

This is totally my husband my second husband he loves me unconditionally

2 01 2014
Sister

Marriage article

2 01 2014
Babe

I love this

2 01 2014
Ellie

Actually my second marriage is better than the first one. Truth is I focus on God now versus the first one focusing all on him. So God is the one who makes it better 😃😉

4 01 2014
Glenford's Daily Word, Food, & The Vine

Good advice, the one thing I see lacking though is it’s a two way street and the only focus here is on what a mane must do so should we assume a woman does this stuff automatically? I think not in fact I know from experience definitely not.

5 01 2014
rustickexpressions

Well said. God Bless and best of luck to you in your future :)

5 01 2014
Lawrence Bergfeld

This is an excellent article because we must definitely control our emotions and me must avoid being secretive or else she will leave us. Another thing is that we have to make it about her BUT we can’t let her take advantage of us or anything.

Lawrence Bergfeld

7 01 2014
tigner

all vaild points but it goes both ways… how do you get your wife to do likewise… #IJS

12 01 2014
Mick

To the editor,
Thank you for your message. This is something I will try to re-read everyday until The Lord comes to take us home.

13 01 2014
thegospelformen

you missed the most important ingredient in Marriage and that is your relationship with Jesus and that you need to pray together every day about your lives relationship and children without God featuring in your relationship failure is a natural outcome …it begun at the Altar and must continue there

25 01 2014
Karen

Let us pray, Father u r an awesome God. U instituted marriage and every second of the day the enemy is attacking it. Holy Father, help us to recognize his tricks and his goals to destroy families and not to see our spouse as the problem. Lord, we really need u to intervene in this ‘war’ as by ourselves we will lose the battle. For every marriage that is in trouble at this moment, we reverse, cramp and paralyze every plan of the enemy right now in the name of Jesus!! I command every demon and devils, assignments and assignee to return to the sender in the name of Jesus. I declare and decree that marriage is honourable and the bed undefiled and for every married person reading this IT IS WELL!! in the name of Jesus. Lord, I thank you and I call it done in Jesus name, AMEN!!!!

26 01 2014
Mick

AMEN!!!!!!!!

2 02 2014
BESTIE

HELLO I just wanted to say thank you so much for doing this for me and many others. At the beginning of the break up I felt like I would never love again and that my life has ended. Thanks to all your advice, I now have the courage to face every new day. My heart has healed tremendously and I feel like I can now really move on. If it wasn’t for your words then I would probably still be in that dark place of my life. Thank you, thank you!

5 02 2014
manqoba

Thank u for sharing this with us, I’ve been married for 5yrs now and I was filling that I’m drifting away slowly from my wife, in the past two years I’ve been wondering why did I get married. But after reading this msg from u I have regained my spirit, I’ve realised how blessed I am with her. Keep up the good work…

14 02 2014
Rev Dr Robert Butler Jr

Yes what you say is true and they should protect your heart also. Love is a beautiful emotion if you handle it right and when you do regret can never creep in. Love is suppose to be eternal that is why when the break up occurs sometimes the stress from divorcing someone can cause a lot of sickness and pain. We should you really evauate if we are going to make a life time committment. For God is love never forget this and love is of God
Right now I am drinking from my saucer because my cup has over flowed praise the Lord
I have married the women of my dreams my soulmate thank you Jesus ¡!!!!!!!!!!

22 02 2014
Gladys

I needed this. Although not yet married we were working towards it. I see that I sincerely tired all this. We worked it out, one year later which is a week ago. He was MIA one night apx 2am I get a voice mail from him and it’s him talking to another woman about how he doesn’t have a woman. No signs nothing..I confront him then he says this is the end cause I don’t trust him and I should have never asked him anything. .smh.. so yes all this advice is brilliant and it does work. Some just don’t know how to accept love when it comes to them.

22 02 2014
Editor

Hi Gladys, thank God you have not married him yet. God has save you from that one. Give thanks.

8 03 2014
Tom Psillas

First of all, this advice comes from a guy that already divorced. He should have thought about it before the divorce, unless the wife was unwilling to work with him.
It seems in all the articles I read; the blame is always on the guy to fix things in a relationship. I was brought up where the man works on providing for the family and the woman keeps the family together. There were very few divorces when that rule was followed.
Now, the guy is supposed to make money, take care of the kids, pay for everyting, plus mend the relationship. Maybe, this is why divorces are the norm.
The women write articles about how the guy should act to win over their hearts. Most of these same women end their relationships in divorce.
My advice to guys is to move to a country where there is respect for the man. It would take 100 years to change society to where the woman rules the kingdom. it has been tried several times over the last 3,000 years. It has failed in all cases, plus it is failing today.
In the USA, we have apathetic kids that want to play online games all day. We have shootings everywhere. Kids today are depressed because both parents work and are too busy to spend the right amount of time with their kids. Women today demand big houses, want it all, and expect the guy to FIX everything, so they can keep their career. Instead, they are becoming unhappy, due to the stress of supporting their lifestyle of having it all. They think they know what their kids want, so they send them to all these after school activities; just to get rid of them for a while, instead of spending quality family time with them. No wonder kids head to the movie theatre and turn it into a shooting gallery.
Instead of making life easier, when women demand equal pay, we now both have to work to support our lifestyles, putting immense stress on our relationships. Most baby boomers today have no funds for retirement, due to no savings. All money goes to pay current bills.
Now, I am not saying to mistreat women. We must respect each other, in order to have a good relationship. Same goes at work. But that is a story for another time.

10 03 2014
Mick

Sounds like there’s more going on here than meets the web page. If we are followers of Christ, we are called to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. If Christ is the way, I don’t see that it can be any other way. Do what it takes to love her the way she needs you to love her.

2 04 2014
simplytruth

To Tom: I guess everything goes good in your marriage as long as your wife does exactly what you tell her to do.

12 04 2014
me

What if you were never in love but were convinced by your friends that being in love isnt necessary. Hey i got a great son out of the deal.

15 04 2014
Brien Jones

I have been married for 15 years as a husband I am fighting for my marriage. My wife wants a divorce after 15 years due to me too much of a provider. She has a lot financial issues with her mother. Some of those things were done behind my back. I have forgiven her and she is wanting time to regroup. I explained to her marriage is hardwork and happiness will follow and sometimes she is immature. B.J.

15 04 2014
Editor

Don’t give up Brien Jones, fight, I am sure you will win and keep your marriage. May God bless you

15 04 2014
Brien Jones

Thank you for words of encouragement. I don’t want to throw away 15 years of marriage. I explained to her time is our friend and we have to dialogue on a regular basis. She is living with her mother. We have been separated since 2/12/14. We talk every other week and we met over the weekend to discuss things with our two girls who are 8 and 13 years of age. Overall, I told my wife that I will continue to fight for my marriage and wife was upset that I am respecting were opinion of wanting a divorce and continuing to fight our union. She secretly admitted to a family member that she needs to time and want to work on our marriage. Please advise me of how to handle going forward.

16 04 2014
Editor

Dear Brien Jones, one of the reasons C.S. Lewis gives why marriage should be forever is the good of the children http://wp.me/p1MlsC-nQ
Your two children will be eternally grateful to you for not giving up now-for their sake. I believe your wife still loves you, she is just not herself at the moment, and it is up to you to stand by her. It is this moment that the vow you made to one another the day you got married is tested. God is always faithful, and if you remain faithful, you will be like God. Don’t worry, you have your children prayers and love, and the my prayer. Love you wife, this is the moment to show her all your power of affection. Yes, go heavy on the affection, buy her flowers and say many time I love you even if she doesn’t want to reciprocate now, she will in time when this “illness” runs it’s course. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Amen

16 04 2014
Anonymous

Thank you for the words of encouragement. She has been calling my brother-in-law to keep tabs on me to see how I am doing. Don’t what to take from that status. We suppose to meet later on this evening to cash a check that is in both of our names and split some money. She has been asking about changes that I am making for myself. How should I conduct myself this evening to be calm or remain business stone face during meeting. I love my wife so much and I feel like a failure not able to fix problems at this moment. Please advise me of what to do and not look too needy.

17 04 2014
Editor

Dear Brien Jones, do not be afraid, men also cry. If your weakness breaks, don’t be ashamed, you are human, and a husband. It is precisely those who love who cry when love is broken. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Rather it is the sign of the strength of your love. Do everything you would have wanted your spouse to do to keep you back if you were the one walking out of 15 years marriage. Tell her how much she means to you. Let her know that you will give your life for her and you will remain faithful to her no matter what happens. You are a very strong man. I know you will pull this off and win her back. Keep at it. I will pray for you now.

18 04 2014
Anonymous

We met on Wednesday evening and the meeting went very well. She was in a lot of pain due to back problems. She mentioned that she did not want me to see her in that condition. My brother-in-law was present and he mentioned that she says she’s ready to come home and she loves me. I was very excited and at the sametime don’t want to look needy. This past two months has been too long not able to talk or see each other on a regular basis.

19 04 2014
Editor

Fantastic! I read somewhere that love is not true if it is not forever. I also read somewhere that in marriage, a man says to a woman, ” I am yours” and the woman say, “I am yours” thus the two become one flesh, one body. The man is the head of this body and the woman the heart. The head needs the heart as much as the heart needs the body. Please, show your wife that she is your heart and that you cant live without her. She is in unbearable agony for losing her head. I know it. Go heavy on the affection, let every word your say tell her how much she means to you my friend.

19 04 2014
Remi

Hallelujah! G-d is with you; I am praying (as are many others, I am sure) for the restoration, rekindled love, forgiveness, and His will to be done for you.

23 04 2014
gilbert

plz send the above article to sydney

29 04 2014
Faux

Yes, If I was married to a Goddess that is flawless I would heed this advise. But just accepting someone for who they are after they have changed to create deal breakers is not respecting your own self. It is being a loser in life.

30 04 2014
mojo

I don’t think I could ever do everything Mr. Rogers is suggesting. What an enormously lop-sided weight of responsibility this picture is! Marriage is a two way street. What is the divorcing spouse is the one not doing all the things he says to do? It would take the personality of a Saint to remain sane in such a relationship, if not fulfilled. I think it sounds as if Mr. Rogers is in a deep depression with a lot of guilt over his divorce. In itself, this is unhealthy and I hope his outlook improves over time. I would bet he was not as bad a husband as he makes himself out to be. Relationships are, by definition between two people and it seems unreasonable for only one of those people to bear all the load. That is unsustainable. I motion that any marriage – in which one spouse does all of these things and receives nothing in return – is an unhappy one. We are trying to be good spouses, but we do not have to be martyrs.

30 04 2014
mojo

I read the comments of people who argue this is a piece “from his perspective” but I still have to take the stance that he is being tooo self-effacing. He clearly writes several things which seem to absolve the other half of some important responsibilities…even ones which he feels obliged to follow

(my comments are in brackets):

SHE CHOSE YOU (no, we chose each other. Its mutual respect, not a one-way admiration club)

SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely (if you feel she doesn’t have to stay with you, why do you feel obliged to suffer everything that comes your way?)

your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing…..(??? and YET you say later: “Falll in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come…)

Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad….”Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.” (later you say: “Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok”…(so when you’re upset, it’s your responsibility…and when SHE’s upset, it’s just “OK”, but not her responsibility in any way….ummm….I don’t think so)

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET…(what? you are approving her to behave “like a storm” and it’s your job in return to only ‘be strong and unjudging’? this is not a relationship of equality)

4 05 2014
James

After losing a wife of 18yrs that i loved very much and wondering why it had to happen the way it did, that had to be one of the most revealing articles I’ve read….Thank you and I will share it with others….Please put me on your email list. ..thanks again. ..JB.

4 05 2014
Editor

Hi James, I am glad you liked the article, thanks for sharing it with others. If you would like to follow the blog, just click on the button “of follow this blog by email” and type in your email. It is there at the right hand corner of the blog. Thanks

10 05 2014
Tanya

Wow. This is an amazing advice for husbands. My soon to be ex cheated on me with a 20 something co worker. They are both deputies and had a nice little affair going during their nightly shifts. When I found out I immediately filed for divorce. I cannot have someone disrespect me in this way after over 20 years of marriage. I have to show my son that everything in life has consequences and you cannot be a cheater and liar and get away with it. It was the best desicion I ever made. I am so happy now that I have my peace and sanity back. I don’t have to worry about being lied to and cheated on. And the best part if all this is that the court awarded me permanent alimony for the rest if my life. My advice is think about the damage you cause before you cheat. The above is great advice. Don’t ever cause your wife so much pain in her heart. You should always put her welfare before yours.

25 05 2014
she

Reblogged this on gemmied13 and commented:
WIsh my husband had read this before he left me. These embody all the hope I had in our relationship… at the beginning it seemed perfect, but as it went on more and more flaws became apparent in each of us. I tried so hard to overcome mine, but he just ran from his, and eventually he ran from us too. Now I think he’s running even from himself. I honestly don’t even know him anymore.

26 05 2014
Editor

Hello, She. I was moved by your story and I want you to know that I am praying for you. I also want you to know that you should never give up hope. You must have tried very hard and no will ever know how hurt your are but I reach out my hand and hold yours. Don’t give up, none of your efforts will be wasted because even if your husband did not accept, it will do someone else good. So keep praying and know that I pray for you

27 05 2014
Jc

I enjoyed reading ur helpful tips and hope that things are getting better for you with each day. I’m desperately trying to find some help when it comes to my situation.
My wife of 16 yrs and partner of 20 yrs had had a rough time when it came to living with me. We have had our money issues like everyone else spending too much and living beyond our means. She has had two nervous breakdowns and now her father is terminally ill with cancer. She is coping well but our marriage is not. She has told me that she does not love me anymore and wants out. I still love her and want things to change for both of us. Neither of us are really happy with where we are today. The good news is that I agree with her that we need time apart. I only hope that this time apart brings us back together again.
My worry is that when we are apart that we will begin to fall in love with being alone. Our life together has been so bad for so long that she may really only remember he bad times. We have been living together with our daughter for the past two months and it has been nice. No fighting we are still able to spend time together in fact we have actually had sex twice during this time. I have started to read and type in a journal. I have started to work on the house that I’ve neglected for far too long. Again I hope that the time apart makes the heart grow fonder but what else can I do?? Desperately trying to find love again …

26 07 2014
Dee

Thank you for pouring out your heart refreshing to know that men still think like this. This gives me hope for my future second marriage and I hope the Lord blesses you with your happy ever after.

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